I'm not sure how to start this blog entry. I've went through every emotion in the last few hours. From anger to questioning to not understanding to peace. And all the other emojis in between. You know those silly little faces we all over use to show what our facial expression would be.
At some point today out of boredom I called to see if the spinal fluid pathology was back. My phone call was returned a few hours later. They've found cells in the spinal fluid. NO! Whining and complaining begins. I can't wrap my head around this. We were supposed to get three good results in a row and be on the road to miracle recovery.
Instead now we are back here again. How lame. After my meltdown episode I think "MRI for the brain to see what the two spots have done". I have a really bad feeling about this. Scheduled tonight sometime.
I called my radioonc to see if he can hook up with Kelly may to give us something to do while we literally sit and do nothing. He didn't respond but about 20 minutes later I got a call from nurse saying she was changing my fluid for an MRI. What!!?? That was fast and no one told me I was getting one. Well it just so happens God has put me and Dr May on the same wave length. She was thinking what I was thinking, ordered the MRI and Dr Simon was never involved. How more God interventions do we need to realize he is being true to his promises?
I'm on pre meds now but basically waiting. Wondering if they grew. Or if we see nothing. If they'd fully breached or if they shrink to an oblivion. God is giving us what we need. A mini Northside Hospital All-Inclusive Get Away. Right.
I hope they're gone but I don't have a very good feeling about this. At the last minute I felt I needed to ask people to pray. I'm not in this alone. We have to have the team at all times, we just weren't ready to tell the team what we were up against again.
I just got done and they said I would have to wait until the morning to get the results. So I asked if I could look at them, and you know what, they let me! The pictures weren't as big and I was overwhelmed with how many there were but I remember exactly what the tumor looked like last time and I didn't see that this time. Of course I was not studying them but I think more so I didn't want to see spots all over. It was my worst nightmare.
Maybe Dr May will have serious insomnia and feel the need to get me the results tonight. That's horrible. No she needs to sleep. And on that note skip ran out to find me an egg crate mattress to help me sleep. I've got the best man ever. He ordered dinner and picked it up and let it sit for 2 hours until I was back. We didn't know they'd be that long. But he waited to eat with me which warmed my heart. We had a little romantic room 335 dinner in the corner with the lights dimmed. Remembering very quickly how easy it is to slip back into normal and apparently we both have been praying that doesn't happen. Skip thought this might be his fault for praying that but I promised he wasn't alone. Today we held each other and despite my annoyances of being stuck here again, we never let go.
Sweet dreams they say. I think it will be a drug induced sleep at this point. I'm seeing things, I hurt and I'm on no sleep for two days. Looking forward to tomorrow when we get better news.
Take away my foolish desires, and let me find life by walking with you. (Psalms 119:37 CEVUS06)
Show me your love and save me, Lord, as you have promised. Then I will have an answer for everyone who insults me for trusting your word. (Psalms 119:41-42 CEVUS06)
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