Weekly Monday News 4/4 and Journal Entry

Morning.

• Thursday check blood work, though I might see if I can squeeze in today. Still have radiation recall and still a little loopy.
• Monday fly to LA for Dr. K and a little Skip and Nadine getaway. (Shreaking internally)
• Tuesday Meet Dr. Kesari at 8:45am. (I don’t know what to pray for, just know he is top 1% in country of neuroncologists, has trials starting late summer, and God has most undoubtedly led us to be with him. I’m convinced he is on the path to the miracle. That we learn some things that we didn’t know before or describes to us some new opportunity? I don’t know. Just PRAY)
• Next chemo date is 4/18 (that gave me anxiety JUST writing it – wow.)

So, I’m still pretty weak, but I watched church last night and felt a lot of my soul being revived by the things said. A lot of gloom seemed to be growing up like weeds over this family the past week. There were days, entire days, I just don’t remember happening. I got to the point where I was scared, frustrated with kids and how I felt, and down right depressed. The link is www.live.northstarchurch.org , by far one of the best messages I’ve personally received, finding myself saying “huh” well more than 20 times. The worship was beautiful as well and ended with “I am alive! I am alive!”

Well, what not to be grateful for. I am alive! But not just now, for eternity. I’d forgotten to thank God every single morning for the miracle of another day, it slipped and became less often. I’d forgotten to be in my circle daily, or too scared that if I got in it, I might not be able to get up out of it. I’d not only forgotten things, days, moments, but I was forgetting the Word,

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord your God,

Isaiah 43:1b-3a

Today my alarm went off, because it is a Monday, yet it is spring break. I slept well actually and felt like I could see and walk but I wanted to so badly to stay there. Instead, I remembered (shocker!) what I heard last night and wanted to jump up with God before the kids did. I knew they went to bed late as we all snuggled on the couch, Alana for the second night in a row fell asleep on my lap (cannot tell you how much I love that) so I knew they were sleeping in.

I opened my bible and it landed on the brightest highlighter maybe ever in my bible to this,

I am the Lord, your Holy One,
    Israel’s Creator, your King.”

¹⁶ This is what the Lord says—
    he who made a way through the sea,
    a path through the mighty waters,
¹⁷ who drew out the chariots and horses,
    the army and reinforcements together,
and they lay there, never to rise again,
    extinguished, snuffed out like a wick:
¹⁸ “Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
¹⁹ See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland.
²⁰ The wild animals honor me,
    the jackals and the owls,
because I provide water in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland,
to give drink to my people, my chosen,
²¹     the people I formed for myself
    that they may proclaim my praise.

Isaiah 43:15-21

So I just started reading it over and over. Soaking it in and realizing the spirit was telling me what I needed to do. God has performed all these mini miracles along the way and like the army, my family, we’d been snuffed out. Me personally, extinguished was a perfect word to describe me this last week. Then he goes on to say do not dwell on things of the past, I will tell you my mind was going in crazy directions. And I know good and well that I was on and off heavy doses of prednisone, that may likely be one of the most evil, and good, drugs out there, but it didn’t matter, because the state I was in I wasn’t getting out of.

Daniel said, “your past is in your past.” Done. I know that because of Lion King, DUH! Hakuna Matata baby! No seriously, it hit a nerve and I remembered, it is. Some of my past struggles, hurts and longevity of this disease, had tried to bring me even lower this week and now that I can see it with clear eyes, I will flat out attest to the enemy behind the scenes. The one who comes to kill and destroy. Yes, it’s real and don’t think you’re exempt because you don’t believe it.

But, “I am making a way in the wilderness.”

That comforted me greatly today. We’ve said all along, the seasons would change, some would be easy and some would not. It is spring and the start of it brought a new round of chemo-cocktails that I will say are kicking my butt and are going to make it a hard season. Just the way it is. I MUST believe its working, because as hard as I hurt in places, my bones screaming and as awful as I felt, I wasn’t sure late summer months were even obtainable, much less the end of the school year anymore. I know it is in my bones, to what extent, oh I feel it. So now when she said, “I cannot believe how you are not in pain?” Another miracle that allowed me to do some super fun things during a season I should’ve been in agony.

So this morning has been peaceful, filled with God’s Holy Spirit and much needed love.

² Lord, be gracious to us;
    we long for you.
Be our strength every morning,
    our salvation in time of distress.

Isaiah 33:2

Strengthen the feeble hands,
    steady the knees that give way;
⁴ say to those with fearful hearts,
    “Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
    he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution

Isaiah 35:3-4

And finally this…

³ And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness, secret riches; and you will know that I am doing this—I, the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by your name.

Isaiah 45:3

See, we’ve had so much blessing, treasures, during this entire time. I won’t say it’s all dark, but treasure has been found along this journey and it’s definitely not all sunshine and rainbows! But most of the treasure has just been family, friends, people we don’t know, encouraging us through prayer, gifts, thoughtfulness beyond comprehension and most of all love. We have a treasure, it’s #teamnadine and it’s not a secret, the world knows what we are seeking, a miracle, together.

#expectmiracles

#teamnadine

#findinghope