Let Go, Let God

Another beautiful day. Beside the news that my tumor marker doubled in comparison, it WAS a beautiful day.
 We did our routine of puke, eat breakfast and head to radiation. They moved my meeting with the radonc to today instead of tomorrow. We talked for a while and I knew I was much better than the week ago when we first met, but he told me I looked great and he doesn’t say that. It totally made my day, and I agreed, this treatment was working on the LM. I know it.
 I went home and took a nap because radiation feels like I’ve sat in the sun for 6 hours and zaps all my energy out almost within minutes! At least I expect it now and I felt pretty good in the evening. And we are looking at fewer headaches which means fewer drugs. So awesome. I woke up to and email with my tumor marker numbers and  "She is clothed in strength and dignity; she laughs without fear of the future" From my awesome nurse. I didn’t cry. I kind of became numb. This was a sick roller coaster that I was so over. I was tired of researching, tired of figuring out what is next, it’s just time to let go and let God. I’m trusting that this story continues and I will maintain my positive. You know what the hardest part of that was? Figuring out if we need to get the kids out of school again and go out west earlier because our trip is supposed to be in June. It’s the not being in control enough to plan, and I love planning, but then I quickly remember:
 ¹³ Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” ¹⁴ Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow…¹⁵ Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” So I tried to sleep stay in bed but my mom picked me up and made me go to the bike trail. Well, that was a gift. The first thing was that we forgot Alana’s helmet but someone left a helmet at the trail head that was virtually brand new and actually fit her!!? Not sure how more God you can get, but I’m sorry, that just doesn’t happen in real life. But then I wondered, is this why I don’t get my miracle, because God gave me a helmet instead? Which I have to admit I loved. We rode around and we went all the way to the Holler. I had been thinking about it for a while. See the doctor told me to get out and walk today, but I said “BIKE?” And he said, be careful. So thinking about bombing the Holler isn’t really safe, but I started thinking, so what!? And doing brain radiation IS safe?! NO!! IT is not. So we rode up to the top, went down, loved every minute and then we stopped at the river on the way to the car. My spot actually. It’s just the most peaceful part of the river and I’ve found myself stopping there many times over the years. We skipped rocks and prayed and then went on our way. Mom told me to go a few more times and I did. I had a great time, I felt completely normal and my legs even hurt a little! It’s so weird and so hard to even comprehend at times that I really shouldn’t even be out there.
 Then it came on me like a ton of bricks. I started crying and riding, and talking to God out in the wide open. I was sorting my thoughts really. It was something like, “I want a miracle. I hate dealing with this disease. Riding is fun, I enjoy it and have all my life. It’s where I like to be. Did I ride too much and at times I shouldn’t have in my life? Yes, and I am sorry for that. I was as good as a mom as I knew to be and my priorities weren’t always the best. Forgive me! I know you have to live and learn, I’m told I’m forgiven, and this is where you have me now, but I still find it all really unfair.”
 Then I wrote in the dirt because at first I needed a bike lean. So random I know. So I drew in the trail ‘HOPE’ and #believeinmiracles. I thought others who rode or walked by might need one too. Maybe it was for them, I have no idea, but I rode on.
 I started back on the it isn’t fair train, but that I wanted my miracle and that so did my friend also diagnosed with terminal cancer who rides his bike like crazy on the complete other side of the world. I just kept thinking it wasn’t fair. We both have young kids and both are fighting for our lives. I just couldn’t shake it. It made no sense but then I thought who am I. I’ve had friends who have lost their children to cancer and illness, and I complain about fair? NO. I cannot. I have no clue what it all is and I won’t pretend to understand why things happen. Just going to trust there is an eternity with more love and light any of us can ever imagine.
 We went home, hurried to ready, and everyone went their ways. Tonight would be date night with a little plate smashing. Yes, we did. Some ladies bought out Good Will’s plates, 3 vases and 2 doves. We wrote on them with some language I’ve only used in my worst pain, so then I guess really as much pain as cancer has caused my family, the 100’s of FU cancers were totally acceptable.
 We screamed, threw, smashed, cried, laughed and hated cancer tonight, and it was good. For me at least. Only a week ago I was trying to break things in my house as I hurt so bad. Today, though a lot of those were “angry” smashes, I wasn’t all mad angry. It was a strange place. I’m glad I got to let some of those deep emotional hurts out and share it with my hubby and friends. I kind of think we need to do it again. Like with anyone and everyone who wants to come… I have ideas.
 Directly after that we went to Pure. In the car Skip kind of shared how smashing plates that have things written on them actually made things worse, but we promised each other we would stay positive. That through the yelling and anger and smashing plates, there was also a smile, a positive outlook, and the notion that everything will be ok. Whether its here and now, or one day when we meet again, it WILL be ok. So we went on our date, met up with Amber and Jason and laughed like we had not laughed before. We talked about old memories and remembered why we loved each other, ate good food and even had a margarita. It’s a huge no no for me, but kind of like the Holler, I just didn’t care anymore. If we are at the point that if a margarita causes me to have a seizure and die, then whatever, I’m tired of fighting it. I’m not being morbid and I’m not giving up, I’m totally peaceful and plan to fight like crazy, but I feel like so many things are like nope you shouldn’t when honestly if that were the case, then I just shouldn’t even have gotten in the car today. It’s all perspective really and it makes me chuckle and smile.
 So I sit here. Everyone is in their beds. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe God will answer our prayers yes, maybe he will answer no. Maybe his plan is better than my plan. So maybe tomorrow if we are blessed to wake up again, we just let go and let god. Because really, it makes life a lot easier to give up that piece of control.
 Peace be with you.