Purge

I was holding onto a fear yesterday that the new side effects of IT chemo were wearing me out. Exhaustion, nothing. It was hard to walk up the stairs without needing a power nap. My muscles hurt. But I trudged through. And I say trudged, because my heart was heavy with fear of the unknown. I think we all find ourselves in that place at some point, and it leads to worry and typically nothing good.

Last night was different but recognizable. Last night I had to change 3 times, soaked head to toe, and freezing. I slept great in between, and super grateful for that. I felt my body purging every drug from my body. It happens every time I take narcotics. I just didn't believe they had stayed in my system so long. Guess everyone else was right. Fine. "You just had brain surgery" they say, with a look of like I'm crazy. "It's okay to sleep the days away, your body needs rest!" I want to tell them bah humbug! lol. It's NOT okay I think to myself!! It's just not! And then I realized, I just don't want a wasted day. I just want every single day, every second, to count. It was just another fear and selfish desire, making me super bratty and making me lose my cool.  I won't go into the thoughts I had, but they were not pretty. HA! So, I'm now throwing that one into God's enormous backpack right now and sending it on it's way. I want to be thankful for every day, I am thankful for every day, every moment I get to be here, and every smile and hug I get along the way, wherever that may be. Even if it's from my couch. And today I can smile a little bigger, and it doesn't hurt so much.

I finally woke up at 5AM quite excited to get back onto my normal routine. I had not completed a few days of my Stronger study or journaled, nor had I had my bath and morning rush of feeling awesome in DAYS. I hopped in my sea salt tub and had a moment. I started my chats with God, soon to be a moment of complete worship and then felt him saying I was healed. I was kind of shocked and let it go at that because I'm telling you, when that happens, it's going to be crazy town around here, and I'm kind of excited to see it.

Time to go downstairs.

I grabbed my pillow and blankie, made some hot tea and sat in my cozy recliner and literally dove into God's word. Bathed in it. Couldn't get enough of it. And of course where I was at today in my study was entitled, Anxiety. I had to laugh when she asked me to list my anxieties and stresses. But then she turned around and had us pray the good Phillipeans prayer over each one. Handing them back to God and letting him fill those spaces with divine peace. I prayed hard, journaled my prayers, and poured my heart out more than I had in days. I felt able to and clear. My last prayer was for me to close my eyes, and wake up peaceful. I did. 

It was a short nap and I look at the clock. It's 7:30 and the sun is trying to light the sky. I grabbed my bible and sat outside. Weekend mornings are so still, so quiet. It was cold and fall is most definitely here. I sat for a few minutes and started reading wherever. And I saw these right off the bat:

5 

I lie down and sleep;

I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.

6 

I will not fear though tens of thousands [cancer cells]

assail me on every side.Psalm 3:5-6

3  In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.Psalm 5:3 

I read around them, but just kept coming back to them. Sleep doesn't come easy during crisis, but it can happen. When we cry out to God, and place our fears and worries, struggles and anxieties on the only one that is strong enough to carry them, we can sleep peacefully, and I do sleep pretty peacefully these days. I have an army of angels who don't sleep, who pray at all hours, and I know that is very much part of the reason I do. But I am peaceful. I may not always be happy with the circumstances I've been dealt, but I am peaceful. I wait expectantly for answers to my prayers that I so transparently made to God this morning. I feel sustained and loved, and the outpouring of friends and family are key in that feeling. I feel grateful. Today is an UP day and back on the fight-wagon.