IT Chemo #2 Day

We left the house early as my anti-funk was telling me we very much needed to get out of the house. Our plan was to hit Trader Joes, sit in a park for a while and then get my second round of IT chemo (brain chemo). On our way, I was doing day 5 of my bible study. I had to laugh as I open it to the title, “God’s  Direction in your Life.” I started thinking, this should be good. What do you have God!!? What possibly can you show me that will help me climb out of this pit. I’m emotionally numb, lost my everything, and it looks like you are just standing by like a statue.

She starts asking questions about direction and I start answering. I start realizing instantly that a lot of my fear lies in the direction, the path, we’ve chosen. God very much paved the way, but I think it’s the fear of what bumps, holes, jumps and ditches there may be along the way. The first time you ride a trail, you tend to hold back a tad, not truly trusting where you’re going to end up. My personality is actually not typically one to hold back, but I find myself scared to take this path. I know it’s mine. I know its ordained. I know it is the only way. So I find that interesting.

Move along. Part two, Nehemiah found compassion for his people and she goes on to ask who I care for in my life that deserves my compassion. Whoa. That is a big question. I woke up numb. Compassion? It left me days ago, and likely, left me in the hospital and had not returned. So I begin writing the names of all the people who deserve my compassion. Talk about taking the focus off yourself for a minute. That was eye opening. So I began to pray for compassion and it asked another question, a loaded question, “

By this point I am pouring my heart out to skip, processing everything and opening up more than I had in days. And we get a phone call. Where are you? Well, yesterday I noticed my appointment had been moved to 2:30 and called to confirm, yet apparently, when it was entered, someone left off the 1. 12:30 it was all along… so because we left early and had all these plans, we were almost there anyway and happened to make it almost on time. How cool is that!?

I finished the study with a few more strong quotes and we prayed hard before going in. It wasn’t even a hesistation. My forehead hit his and both of our hands fell into each others. We were thinking the same thing. Pour our hearts out to God. It’s now. And wow.

We checked in, and met Tony. I almost got choked up at his cross and bracelet he wore. He had a beautiful soul, I could see it the instant I met him. He took care of me all the way and set us up in a corner. Now, this treatment, isn’t the most common thing ever, my doctor did a million at Emory, but never in this office. So the best part, we had a HUGE gathering. And I was nervous, mega chatty, caffeinated, and DID NOT want to hear the fluid being sucked out and put into my brain. So I talked. Who the heck knows what it was I said, but I NEVER took a break. It’s a 3 minute process and we laughed, cut up and had an overall great time. I was assuring them I was the 1% and would be most definitely making it quite far.

As my brother said in a post today, “He cannot wait for the doctors to shit them selves when the cancer is gone.” I died laughing. So funny.

I found out something extra awesome. So Dr. May asked if I put her picture on facebook!! Apparently her husband is friends with one of my friends from high school who asked Scott if that was his wife. Long story short, it was, and it is a really good picture of her, but we got a crazy good laugh and whoa, small world, comments. All I could think of is yep, God crossed our paths for a reason! Telling you, I have mad love for this doctor. She’s totally part of the team now, I think I need to get her and the staff bracelets!!

So do you want to know how I feel? Awesome. So far no side effects. We are to look out for severe headaches, stroke symptoms, severe nausea and vomiting.  I’m not looking for anything I don’t want so just envisioning those stupid little cancer cells being ablated and ingested by the chemo. I took all my vitamins today and I think It had been a while. I went back on my vegetarian cancer killing diet today and stomach is handling it! We took another long walk and I made it pain free. I’ve made it out of the funk and had a beautiful night with my kids. We planned Alana’s birthday and I got to hear lots of school stories from Madison.

It took a few days, but the fear of that unkown had to go. I fell empowered and my peace is back. So sorry to be an emotional roller coaster. I truly am trying to show others that it’s okay to be real, it’s okay to have a bad day and cry, but don’t stay there. Positivity, strength, spending hours in prayer and reading God’s word, will help you climb out. Skip was literally throwing me invisible rope and pulling last night. He knew how far I had fallen. How he stayed strong, only God and your prayers. And my kids. If I could just have your ear to her door as she prays you’d never believe it was a little 7 year old. “We know you have the power to heal.” “Please send your healing power into my moms cerebral fluid and cure her cancer.” “Mom, I am strong for you.” “Picture cotton candy and how crazy I am when I eat it and I eat every bit. That is what’s happening. Every bit of cancer is going to be eaten!” It’s one of the most amazing experiences. I look forward to praying with her, because she honestly does help me find strength and power in God.

Off to go to bed, in a much better place than yesterday. Looking forward to this chemo working for me. It will work, and I know there will be bumps in the road, but I’m not as scared anymore. I’ve ridden some of the scariest trails in the world, and you know what, I did it. I’ve ridden from tippy top of Whistler Mountain. One of the coolest places on Earth with some trails I may not be brave enough to ride today, until I look in the mirror and remember, be brave. Be brave. Be strong. Fight hard. And never ever EVER stop #findinghope.