Does a Cancer Patient Feel Pretty?

IIt all started one night when I became friends with DeDe on Facebook. I was artistically inspired by a photo shoot she had done and decided that would be a “neat thing” to do. I say neat thing, because I would never realize the impact it would have on my life. I began searching photos on Google and realized quickly, that there just is not much out there. Do people not want to share that they are bald and beautiful? I didn’t quite understand, yet.

Meet DeDe here: 

http://blueiedsmile.wordpress.com/

 

I ordered a few fabulously flowing prom-like dresses from China for basically nothing and hoped for the best. We knew it was going to have to be a last minute date as I had to be strong enough to do a day of prepping, changing and make-up.

I went to bed Thursday night with the heads up to Victoria and my father that Friday was the day. I woke up gathered all my things, did my make up and hauled everything to Victoria’s studio. And this is where it begins…

Part One.

I chose these two photographers to take my pictures, because I knew their styles and they were complete opposites. Victoria will edit beautifully and my dad’s are basically the raw images. I wanted both.

I went into her shoot not shy but made it very clear that I wanted no scars, no ports, no bumps. I wanted to be able to look at them and not think “I hate that stupid port” or “ that port is so nasty.” See when you’ve been cut into, changed and altered, there are times you see yourself in photographs and think, “ugh.” I have two very long scars on my back and I’m always wanting them covered as I just don’t like them. I don’t think they make me look ugly, I just don’t like looking at them.

So we went to town and we did it all. I mean all, if you known what I mean. Every fat ripple, every scar, ports, you name it, gone. It’s not that I don’t accept who I am now, or my physical appearance, I think it was just amazing for my soul to see myself and smile. There are so many times as a cancer patient, and I may be speaking just for myself, but I’m going to guess not, you just feel like you look worn out, tired, and 10 years older than you are. There have been times I wake up and my eyes are swollen shut and my skin spots are so pronounced I look multi-colored. I won’t say we all deal with it, but I want to encourage those who do, to step out and do something fun like this.

The first time I had chemo and lost my hair I would define my days by “make-up days.” A friend of mine would text me constantly, “Is it a make-up day?” Why, yes it is! Sometimes, it’s just nice to have a make-up day and go all out. Take the energy to have one, they’re always worth it!

Victoria always makes me feel special and beautiful, and during the shoot she would look down and smile so big. I knew that she would be able to take the images, and just make them radiate light, love, and laughter without all the cancer reminders to distract me.

Meet Victoria Nielson Photography:

https://www.facebook.com/victorianielsonphotography/posts/1558324664462662

Part Two:

I took a little break on the couch and my dad and mom came over for shoot number two. Madison came along and we headed over to downtown Canton behind the old mills. I know my dad is super artistic and I love the rawness and passion behind the lens. He wanted something beautiful and elegant among the rough and abandoned.

We began, and all I could think was “OH MY GOD, this is why during all the slides we went through he kept saying after a few minutes he would get this look.” I had to hold still. Me. It made me giggle inside a giggle that I contained very well, as I was “modeling” now. It was a lot of fun and brought back some serious memories of my dad always having his camera in my face. And it was true, I had an “I’m done look.” I remembered it sitting on the concrete wall.

The pictures are amazing and he held true to his art. He hardly edited them. My ports remain, my scars remain, and my imperfections remain. I can look at these and know this is me and I’m still beautiful with or without, inside and out. Cancer will define you if you let it, but for me, I just want to be me and though I have days where I just feel ugly, this was so needed. I can’t encourage cancer patients enough to have a make up day, throw something new on, and get a photographer to do something amazing. You are beautiful, with or without cancer.

Meet Lance Lewin: https://www.facebook.com/Atlanta-Digital-Photography-Workshops-116191085077375/

Part Three:

Rainbows and Unicorns are my thing. I can think all the way back to Rainbow Brite and her unicorn. I’m a colorful person, I’m not a fan of gray and black and choose to look ahead in life with an “I’m a unicorn I can do anything” kind of attitude. It’s positivity in the silliest sense.

So I chose these photos to show the full cycle. No make up, no touch ups, no make up, fancy clothes, just me and my unicorn. This is true me all the way. Beyond the elegant portraits, and beyond the touch ups, beyond the make up, this is me. Do I embrace my cancer fatigued body and my knocked down more times than I can count wounds? Yes. As ugly, worn down, and crummy as I may feel and think I am, I can always whoop out a little rainbow and a unicorn to turn my eyes upward embracing my life and how precious it is that I was even given the gift of another day.

These photos were done today, when I needed it most. I didn’t not want to get out of bed, all food is nasty in my mind, my right eye was swollen shut to a point I’ve never seen, I have scans for the next two days and have to mentally block out what the results “could be.” Skip blew up the unicorn, I put on all my unicorn gear and went on a mini bike ride with a friend in the park. It’s facing the day when the day just seems to want to knock you down.

Part Four:

In the midst of the Canton shoot on the train tracks, I look over and Madison has changed into one of my dresses. I ran over and was shocked it fit but then thought “PROM!” Lets go to prom. I did her make up in the middle of the parking lot, and with no hairbrush went for the messy look. Twirl it up into a knot and hope for the best! She looked stunning! I watched as my dad took a few of her, thinking this is what prom would be and realized, one of my “I’d do anything to not miss this…” quotes was being gifted to me now, at this very moment. All dressed up, my little prom queen and I had our prom pictures taken.

In the darkest moments of where cancer has hurt me most is by far the future. You think of what you might miss and it’ll bring you to your knees. That is why it’s unhealthy to stay there.

I’ve been on mountain tops during cancer shouting praise to God, and I have sat in the valley like wondering how life will be for my family when I’m not here anymore. The lows are the hardest fight, but they can be fought. The enemy is real and you punch him in the face when you just keep getting up. So when you’re down there, if you are now, catch this rope. Let God pull you out and start walking around with your unicorn. Chin up, it’s a roller coaster.