So Became The Crazy Lady

This week has been kind of a blur so I’m going to start with yesterday. WHAT a day! I woke up feeling stressed. The day prior I had requested a chat with Dr. Dunbar and finally that evening emailed my laundry list of concerns and questions. I was pretty sure she and Dr. May were not communicating as I would like, that this team was failing me, and that we were completely unloved.

She finally called me yesterday around noon on the way to Walmart. I pulled over to talk. I ended up in heaps of tears, massive anxiety as she was NOT happy with me nor appreciated my concerns that no one had touched base after Thursday’s incidences. Which I still stand by even with what I am about to write.

We did get off the phone with the plan that she would discuss and come up with a way to not have a repeat of Thursday and that Team-May-Dunbar were fighting for me and loved me. I don’t think I liked her very much getting off the phone or felt like it was honest, because I still had zero peace. I walked into Walmart in a fog and felt like I may pass out at any moment. My head was spinning and told the girls I felt like I was being flushed down the toilet. (Then a dirty old dump truck was in front of us, making this farting sound, and Alana was sure it was pooping on me while I held on for dear life. Gee whiz, at least it made us all laugh)

I went home and began talking to Skip. I ended up making 6 quesadillas and by the end I was throwing butter in the pan and he came up and I slammed the knife down. I was broken. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know who I trusted anymore. I was completely lost. I did know however that my standards for a team of doctors could never compare to Team-Barber-Namnoum and that that was partly my problem. No one will ever be as near and as dear to me than those two doctors. (Well, Dr. Williams is pretty fantab as well. He makes the cut as well! Haha) But is all reality, the expectations that I have are mostly unattainable for any doctor to really achieve. Maybe.

Skip and I went to lay down. I knew if I stayed awake any longer I may experience my first panic attack or I was already having one, or it might even be a heart attack. I couldn’t swallow and he was about to throw up. I remember him saying something about praying. We were cuddled up. He said two words, and I said two more. He said another and I said another. I think they were wisdom. Confindence. Discernemnet. Hope. Peace. I really don’t remember and then I knocked out.

We woke up not too much later and the first thought that came to mind was the fact I had never really asked Dr. May if she was okay with this team. I basically threw them together. And so my message was left on the nurse line for Dr. May to call me back.

I decided I needed Kombucha for the trip I was completely not in any way ready for and some junk food, along with my daily dose of Starbucks. After about 10 minutes,  Dr. May’s nurse called. She ranks as one of my all time favorite nurses. We started talking as she wanted a better idea of WHY actually I needed to talk to Dr. May. We after a while came up with the question of “Is she okay communicating with Dr. Dunbar. Is she good with this team.” But before that, I explained ALL my frustrations, tears, concerns and issues to which her response was, “Nadine, you’re on a LOT of Prednisone. A LOT.” Oh. Apparently, this is why I am losing my mind, uncertain about everything, freaking out basically about every one and everything they are doing and planning. The doctors WERE talking and WERE praying for me and WERE thinking about me and DO LOVE ME. Huh. This was new news for me. I have never had a Prednisone issue that I can remember. But it explained everything and honestly, she made me feel sooooooo much better. I got off the phone with her and finished shopping. I felt a little bit of that anxiety chipped away.

We got home and I got my next call from Dr. May who I swear within seconds was laughing at me. She told me a story of her husband who got crazy paranoid when he was on them. It was all starting to come together. She said the exact same things Carmen did and I felt more of that anxiety chip away. Then she told me about how though she didn’t know how Dr. Dunbar was with her patients that as a collegue she really liked her. That she was great communication wise and very on top of things.

Sulk. I suck. They are communicating. I hate you Prednisone! You are an evil drug with mean powers to make me think that everyone was against me. Too bad I’m going to have to be on super high doses again, but this time I’ll be sure to make ZERO decisions about my healthcare during that time. Now, I’m ready to go on our trip. I feel WAY better.

I made reservations for the hotel and so my packing fiasco started. It went well until someone made me annoyed and then I was pissed that I do everything. Prednisone people. It wasn’t that bad and I got this AMAZING thank you from Skip for always being so on it about our trips. I’d say I’m a little over the top in planning and cleaning, but no one ever had to do anything, and really, I liked it. I think it’s fun.

I crashed out that night as soon as my head hit the pillow and for the first time in over a week, I only woke up once. At 6:30 I was ready to jump up and go! How exciting we are going on a trip! But instead I lay there, enjoying talking and decided, it didn’t matter what time we got there, no stress was allowed.

We finally left around 9 AM. All were happy except for Jax baby. He was very very sad. We have the dog keeper set, our house keeper set and off we went. We decided since I felt so awesome with no headache that I would drive first. It was a little weird at first and my eyes seemed to do weird things, but no headache. Then somewhere in TN, my phone rings. It’s Dr. Rudnick. Oh my, I totally forgot!! He starts talking and I pull off at the next exit so I can talk without distraction.

He had reviewed my scans and asked about our current plan which he liked! Great1 Then he asked what else were we doing. Well, nothing. That is when he began telling me about this immunotherapy drug that his team is having good results with. I had heard about it but it is only apporived for Melanoma and Lung. Apparently they’ve been using it for others to and he talked a little about how it would work with insurance and compassionate something support. That I’m different and that my in my case this could be really good for me. That this would be done along side Depocyt, as at some point it WILL stop working. Holy smokes. This is AWESOME. He asked me to do my research on it, but basically, that is what he would do. Oh, and that there was no need for me to fly all the way to LA that I needed to spend time with my family and that we would just touch base as needed. I hung up about to scream! I LOVED HIM! How exciting. How blessed. Thank you God for amazing doctors.

We did a little research and put calls into Team-May-Dunbar. They can absorb it and add it to their list of stratedgies. I didn’t even ask for a return call, I just want them to talk about it and we can figure it out next week. At this point, I am willing to do pretty much anything. I’m still asymptomatic and still have every hope of getting our rare miracle.

What a gift. Amazing doctors and teams of people fighting for us all over the country. IT’s like a dream come true. I can put my hands up, and let them work, and I can just pray for them all as they do what they know best to help make this miracle become a reality.

The funniest thing I heard during the entire ordeal was bat-shit-crazy and it has me rolling. That is what happened to me! I became an insane lunatic in the midst of an already hard, scary, scary time in our lives. It feels WAY better to feel so normal. Dr. Rudnick’s call finished the chipping and I’m back. Bring on DC and all the fun! I’m ready!