Diligence

After the weekend’s end, I crashed. I think it was the moment after I spoke to Tony. It was the last thing I “needed” to do, and closure came. My mind came to a rest and we headed home. No one ate dinner, just snacked on the feasts and meals I had prepared for the car. Convenient. I asked for a movie night so we got ready and watched half of it, planning to be finished at 8:30 and head back to school. There seemed no reason for them to continue being withdrawn wince we weren’t quite sure where all we would have to be this week until my children sit in my lap with sadness. “But mom, we really didn’t get to do family time this weekend… I don’t want to go back to school…” You can imagine and I’m sitting there now with a conflicted heart.

We all agreed upon one more day and then they would go back to school. I emailed her principals and everyone was immediately on board. I talked with Skip because I still was not sure I felt right about sending them back now. I told him that there was a part of me that thought if for some reason I go badly downhill, I will look back and regret not pulling them for two weeks. Or, if I use that two weeks now, I won’t be able to later. My mind was racing.

Then I hear foot steps. “Alana you need to go back to bed honey…” I walked her into her bed, gave her the 50^th awesomest hug for the night and I look at her. Her eyes are welling up with tears and I think in my heart I fear whats next. She says, “mommy. I’m scared.” I pause. We DID just watch Jurassic Park 2, but this has nothing to do with it. I said something along the lines like, honey, mommy is scared too. We are all really scared. But I want you to not let fear steal your joy. We are making the most out of every day and I don’t want to see the smile disappear. I tickeled her and likely gave some more wisdom I can’t remember because at this point we are bawling. I am finally able to remove myself and close the door.

“Mom, come here.” It’s my Madison. I sit on her bed and we talk a little bit about school and how the kids there keep her positive. That it truly is a big distraction and she feels good there. She has a few amazing frineds in that little 7R team that she tells me stories about every day. One in particular is a boy. She sad last week that she didn’t even notice she was sad, but he did. That he started saying something about square and did something crazy and she laughed. And he acted if mission accomplished. She also told me about friends who randomly text her with hearts or people that she really does not even know that stop her in the halls to say something sweet or give her a hug. I cannot tell you as a mom what that means to me. Home is amazing, but there are also days that home is very sad, so I am blessed and grateful to have such an amazing place for her to be at. That goes for both of my girls.

Amazingly I slept pretty well and around 6:30, God called. I do NOT love the cold but I went anyway hunting warm socks, hot tea, blankets, snuggly robe and my thick blankie, me and God sat in the living room. I felt His presence the moment I sat down. So we talked. Really I just wanted him to speak through his word. I had just put down a little daily promise book I had.

“Whatever your hand finds to do do it with all your might. Diligence keeps going while frustration gives up. Diligence says, I can do it, while defeat says, I can’t.”  I find out a little further that the first line is Ecclesiastes 9:10. So that is where we start.

I opened my bible and began to read the verses before and after. I have to admit, I was confused. I didn’t really understand at first why God would want me to read this. Until I dug a little deeper.

Go eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white and always anoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun – all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and in your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might, for the grave where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom. The race is not to the swift, or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned, but time and chance happen to them all.” Ecclesiastes 9:7-12

The notes below were 7-10: Considering the uncertainties of the future and the certainty of death, Solomon recommends enjoing life as God’s gift. He may have been criticizing those who put off all the present pleasures in order to accumulate wealth much like those who get caught up in today’s race. Solomon asks, “what is your wealth worth anyway?” BECAUSE THE FUTURE IS SO UNCERTAIN WE SHOULD ENJOY GODS GIFTS WHILE WE ARE ABLE.

I lost my breath. God’s gifts are my babies.

I reread it all three times, maybe more. God favored what I was doing and I thanked him. I told him I likely could not always be clothed in white, but I would be grateful every time I put clothes on. “Enjoy life with your wife…” I’m sure is for Skip, but in my mind I just changed it to “husband.” Then I got to meaningless days. I do not feel they are meaningless at all, but after reading it a few times, I realized it’s all meaningless. Being together, loving one another, giving, that is meaningful in life. Not this race to the finish, or planning every single little thing, God is in control, let go. He was telling me, it’s okay to spend a few weeks doing fun things. I could feel it, I could hear it. But then I read those notes and that was it for me. I started crying. I do enjoy life. So much, and because the future is uncertain, my babies are not going anywhere.

It’s funny, because I kept telling myself I needed to pray about whether or not to keep them out for a few weeks and Katie my neighbor, a now homeschool mom, keeps popping in my head. She was so funny the other day when we said we were pulling the kids for a while. She was convinced they wouldn’t miss a thing anyway and would learn more from us and world experience. She was right. I never got that chance to pray it, but the Holy Spirit did. And my answer today is underlined in my bible, because I’ve heard God speak to me and give me answers before but I’m not sure there has ever been one like this.

Please, this weekend if you’ve followed any part of my story, God has been showing off. You may think it’s coinicidence, I promise you its not. The chances of me turning to this exact piece of scripture today is like winning that billion in the lottery last week. We are thanking God non stop. We DO NOT have to drive to MD Anderson, the doctor here in Atlanta just happens to be affiliated with MD Anderson and does weekly Brain Tumor Board sessions where the doctors collaborate. We were able to get in touch with Valerie Harper’s doctor in L.A. and he was consulting with a breast surgeon and will be calling me today. I don’t even have to FLY THERE! My doctor here knows of him and told me to have him call her if I liked. Valerie Harper’s husband called me by phone and he said THOUSANDS of people have been reaching out. He said it was like nothing he had ever seen – off the charts. He gave me so much information, including every doctor, every medication, every herbal and alternative medicine she has done. And at the end he gave me his cell to call any time and “God bless.” Skip reset my wedding band that had broken two years ago and the setting I wanted was told to be out, and while the man was looking for one in another store, I happened to find it in a case we had missed? I ran shouting THIS IS IT and he said there was only one other one in the system, and it wasn’t at this store. Then while praising God on the steps of the very first church he ever took me to, a man across the street starts belting in the most beautiful voice off his little white house porch, “Bless the Lord oh my soul, oooh my soul, worship his holy name…” in which Skip turns me around so I can see and I start singing too. One of my most favorite songs and he gave me the ring.

My heart is RACING just telling you that, and that doesn’t even come close to the things I have seen this weekend. Our pastor pulled us up on stage for the congregation to pray, we have a crazy awesome team Nadine, we have warriors lifting us literally around the world, we have blog followers and friends that drop anything to help us in a heartbeat. We love you all, and most of all we love and adore our big wonderful amazing family. They do every one of those things and together we are all enjoying our days together, every one not meaningless, but a blessing, a joy. Don’t lose hope. Keep your eyes upward and if you don’t believe in God, go back to 2013 start reading, and call me. I promise you, he is real and alive today, waiting for you to give it up. Just pray.