Like a Light Switch

I have to catch you all up from a few days. Let me think…

Tuesday I made it home from the hospital. I still felt rough from the hospital, I was still running low fevers but at least we knew I had white blood cells. Then it hit. We were eating dinner and I had the same feeling that sent me to the hospital. I stumbled over to the couch and fell asleep for a good hour. It was loud and crazy and everyone was getting Christmas down from the attic, and I had no clue. I woke up and fever. A big one. I nearly cried and called the doctor. Thankfully he said because I was not nuetropenic I could take Tylenol and call my doctor in the morning. My littlest was utterly disappointed that we would not be decorating after all and nearly had a breakdown. It’s hard to explain sometimes to an eight year old, but she understood why and we promised the next night we would. Big promise, not sure why we would even do that!

Wednesday morning rolls around and I’m living on my Tylenol so my fever is under control. My oncologist called in an antibiotic that wasn’t quite ready when my friend went to pick it up so we were going to have to go back tonight, Christmas decorating night. Ugh. Skip came in and reminded me Madison had a hair appointment but couldn’t take her. It was in the neighborhood and at this point I’ll do anything to get outside, so lets go! My first driving experience in months was totally uneventful and I didn’t really care that I was in pajamas probably from the day before at that point. It was just nice to be out. But, then my car needed to go to CVS to pick up my antibiotic and then maybe across the street to Publix! We didn’t have dinner coming so I rode around the little cart (yes, in my Olaf pajamas) and gathered anything vegetarian for me, and a chicken for them. It was kind of fun, but it was time to get Madison and go home.

Madison cooked dinner for us that evening, which she loved, and I lay on the couch. We all ate dinner and then it happened. I took my medicine. I’m not quite sure if she laced it with speed but within 20 minutes I am not kidding, I was a new person. I had energy and I didn’t feel like death. We decorated together (which was not the best experience ever because my kids couldn’t help but bicker – but that’s another part of the story) and even after they went to bed, I couldn’t stop. I reorganized and decorated my house for SIX hours. I wasn’t sitting either. This felt AWESOME!

I woke up the next morning and guess what, it was still there and I had no fever! I went to the urologist bright and early with my valium. Can I say joke? Skip swears I was more calm, and maybe so, but I wanted to be loopy! Anyway, it literally takes 60 seconds, like he said and he shows me this big long wiry looking thing that was in me saving my kidney from exploding just 3 months earlier. Cool. And they left. I look at Skip like, are we supposed to go? That’s it. I can do whatever, no restrictions, no nothing. So what do we do? Trader Joes of course! It’s time! Skip says I was stoned looking, I felt focused, but regardless I was very able to shop on Valium.

We bought two carts worth of veggies and fruits and everything yummy, fresh, organic and sugarless. Well mostly, pretty sure there were gingerbread houses for the kids and stuff like that. So we went home and I washed all the veggies and fruits (standing) praising God with a grin you weren’t going to be able to wipe of my face. It was awesome. I made myself a veggie omelett and nearly cried while eating it as food didn’t sound disgusting anymore. I went upstairs and found myself making the bed. What!? I don’t even like making the bed! But it brought a smile to my face that I could do it, and I knew Skip would be happy. Then I took a bath and something even more amazing happened. I just stood up and got out. I know that sounds little and strange, but I didn’t even realize it happened until it did and again, just thanking God over and over with crazy tears in my eyes. If you know the ordeal I go through to make sure I don’t pass out after getting out of the tub, you would understand. THEN, I got dressed and didn’t climb back into bed! I always need a break after that and I didn’t need one!

The kids got home and I’m all over them. Laughing and doing what mommy’s should do after school. And then it began. The bickering. The arguing. The little boogers wouldn’t stop all while I’m cooking dinner (which I love to do by the way – I love cooking) and I completely lost it. Skip was there. I’m not sure what I said but they were to leave our presence and we were now NOT making rice Krispie treats. I apologized to Skip but he understood so we went up to talk.

It must’ve been over an hour. Something was wrong. It was like they had completely forgotten what was going on. They forgot I was just in the hospital, they forgot I was fighting for my life, that chemo and drugs are a forever thing. They were so into themselves this week with “what I NEED” “me, me, me” and “my sister is so annoying” they totally forgot what mattered more. And you bet I was going to make sure they remembered. Today was the first day in likely more than six months that I felt good. Like really good and they destroyed it. I was in tears, then Skip, Lana was ashamed and burying her head and madison a statue. It took us a long time to break her too, but finally in the end, they got it. What mattered most was our family time together. Things are good and presents are fun but these memories we make will last much longer. That mommy feels good today, but maybe not tomorrow. Let’s celebrate that! It was a really hard talk and we told stories of things we missed about people we’ve lost in our lives. We talked about so much, I’m not even sure I could remember. We finished with our prayers and I walked out realizing it was all the enemy. Trying to steal and destroy what good we had by making my children turn against each other. It was time to shut him out. Sorry devil, you have zero place in my home. You can go now.

And now it’s Friday. I popped up at 6:15 and thought ooooh, time for school! I was going to get my kids up for school! I kissed all over there sleepy heads, lay next to Madison who is making number signs and pointing at the clock. Faker, she knows she loved it. But the kicker was waking Alana up. I couldn’t. She was so peaceful, so sweet and soft, and I was waking her up. She is never this still and I just wanted to stare at her forever. I went as long as I could on chemo getting downstairs, riding to the bus stop, knowing there would be a day I couldn’t anymore. To get that back was a gift beyond all gifts. Plus it was kind of fun to see Skip lay in bed a few minutes longer.

I got ready for the day and thought I will text Kristin and we will get our nails done! The last time I saw her I lounged on the back patio in a pile of mess and probably on the couch if I remember correctly. So I’m pretty sure she looked kind of confused when I was literally bouncing off the walls. (I did realize later I drank a cup of coffee) It felt so good though. I drove us, we got pampered, matching snowflakes, caught up a little, went home for lunch and I was smiling ear to ear. It was one of my favorite days in a long time.

We planned to leave for Ellijay at some point that evening for a Saturday trip and so I began making meal plans and gathering food. I was at this point getting sleepy. I know how to over do it better than anyone on the planet. So I slowed it down a notch. We eventually made it to Ellijay, the kids went straight to bed, and Skip and I got the Christmas decorations out. That’s going to be our thing. Decorate Ellijay together. It’s not a lot, my little Dollar Tree decorated Charlie Brown Tree, but it was fun and I think it’s super pretty. We were finally off to dreamland and slept great.

Today was beautiful in Ellijay. Skip and his dad worked on the shop all day long. I hiked to the bottom of our dam and amazingly back up. I was questioning myself as I started back but I did it, gasping for air. Hike aside, it is amazing how sore my muscles are just from day to day tasks like pushing a broom or washing dishes. I have used literally nothing. So pretty much every muscle in my body, ones, I didn’t know I had, are that good kind of sore, except I’m not trying. I figure Monday I will talk to the doctor and figure out the best plan for me. I want to get back to exersizing as it is such a crucial part of health and well-being. I truly feel like the cancer didn’t find my lungs because I was always on the bike breathing hard, breathing oxygen.

Now we are on our way home and pondering our day. Skip worked hard on the building to get it done and I hung out with the kids and dad’s girlfriend. I really didn’t get to see him except the couple of times we ate together and that really bothers me. I have to let it go, but I’m somewhat frustrated because our days, especially our good days, cannot be wasted. I know we have our fixer-upper and it’s been awesome to see it transform and it’s the most heavenly little place, but I just don’t like him working on it now. Maybe I’m just tired and whiny but I guess I just missed having him on a really good day.

Finally tomorrow, we are planning to be a big day... We’ve decided to go to church. It was actually Madison, she sent me a screenshot from NSC Middle School Instagram saying she “really really wanted to go” this Sunday. I’ll likely be a basket case it’s been 3 months and so much to be thankful for. God has shown up in some of the biggest ways and especially through much of the goodness and kindness of it’s people. Continually blown away by the hearts that define NorthStar and I truly cannot wait to be there tomorrow. To worship in person, not from a pillow on the couch or from a hospital bed, I cannot wait to stand there in awe of God. Thanks for listening and following, praying and loving. We’ve experienced miracle after miracle and I have never been more grateful.