Radiation Number 1

I’ve been awake since 2:00 AM this morning. I know for certain my head has never hurt that bad in my life. I threw my water bottle and just started crying. Skip was mostly asleep, I'm not sure there was much he could do anymore. I could barely get to the bathroom and I could barely open my eyes big enough to see where I was going. It took about an hour just to feel like the edge was finally knocked off, but overall I felt so strange. I could barely keep my balance, I sat with the kids before school, but it feels like a dream and I really don't remember sitting with them. I cannot stop thinking that this is it. This is the steady, very fast incline the leptomeningeal experts discuss. I just cannot fathom or understand how sick I went from one day to another. It’s like living in a whole seperate world. To the point that last night I was dreaming and wondering if I was dead. They were nightmares really. I could hear everyone talking to each other and poof, that was it. No one needed me anymore. They were horrible and lasted all morning. The radiologist today told me we wait 24 hours and we hope and pray that this is not the end. That my abilities get better, I’m able to stand on my own, and who knows what else. It’s a sad place. My head still hurts on and off, radiation was actually quite simple. I hope and pray I start getting better. I’m patiently waiting for something I cannot explain.