I wrote this the day before my spinal tap... Didn't want to make it public, but decided it'll help explain some things...
------------------------------
Tuesday:
I'm not scared of stage IV breast cancer I am scared of something else. This is a burden I've carried. I needed to understand what it meant and I've read a few medical journals to get my learn on. The question of fear:
What if they do find breast cancer in my spinal fluid?
If it is, it's not good.
My symptoms seem to be intensifying and I'm scared. Headaches and weirdness. Just can't explain.
If it is, the prognosis isn't long. Even with treatment. There are no survivors I can find. Everything says not good or grim.
I have to tell my husband. Now he knows. He is stronger than me. "It can't be there. It's not there." Tears in our eyes. Okay.
If the test is negative I have to do two more spinal taps and they ALL have to be negative for 90% accuracy. That's a long wait.
What if it's found on the third and we've wasted so much time?
This sucks. I'm sick about it.
But do you see the word repeated over and over?
"If."
It's the STUPID what-if monster. He will plague your heart and mind until you cannot breathe. I know you've probably been there. How do we get out?
I learned a longgggggg time ago that an enemy lie can be combated head on with scripture. Mine is going to be, "when I am afraid I put my trust in you. In God whose word I praise. In God I trust and am not afraid."
I'm trying. It's hard when two doctors saw something on an MRI and now spinal is recommended.
"Stop believing that he can. Start believing that he will." -Skip.
God grant me the peace and acceptance that you will deliver me from this. Please don't let it be in this part of my body. It can't be. By the blood of the lamb, let your blood flow through mine, clearing it of every cancer cell. Let your spinal fluid flow through mine and be clean. Let you're spirit flow through mine. Help me find strength in your presence and hope in your word.
I am not afraid. I can't be. Help me be stronger.
----------------------------
Today:
My oncologist called to deliver the bad news. She was pretty shaken up. No one once again expected it. She is pairing me with a neurologist who will see me with a plan by Tuesday and likely treatment and brain port all this week. I'm terrified.
She says I don't know if I want to tell you how this goes historically. I told her I needed everything. There are about 10 different drugs. MD Anderson has recommended one for mine. It would be every two weeks for a while then taper as long as we show improvement.
Treatment has shown 15% to live to one year. No documentation of anything longer.
The median survival rate is 3-6 months.
No treatment is weeks.
We are going to fight this with all we have got. I have a big summer vacation planned and I'm sorry but I can't give up that easily. I told her i will be the 15%.
Keep praying. I'm numb. Too many tears in this house. But buying tickets to see Disney on Ice Sunday and Alana is planning the biggest birthday party ever. Adorable.
No comments:
Post a Comment