From Bitter to Hopeful

So I’ve come to the conclusion that I am bitter, resentful, and more angry than I understood.

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other…” Ephesians 4:31-32

I read this yesterday morning and sulked like a shamed child. My name is Nadine, meaning hope, not Mara, meaning bitterness! Wow, how did I not see it. I’d complain every day, “but you can do whatever you want. It doesn’t matter where we go, what we do, I’m just going to sit in my little pink chair.” Anger and rage has overtaken the other three in the house, not to mention my curse word on social media. How did I go from encourager to depressed, angry, blogger child?

Today I gave that up. God saved the last three days of my bible study (I got behind) to pull me out of a nasty place. It’s sad that you see all this disturbance in your home and never realize it’s you. I was putting off negative energy and very much not bringing glory to God. I very much want to finish strong, whether that means it’s my time, or I get a healing miracle so I can serve my family and others in ways I’ve dreamed.

I think one of the coolest verses that I was given this week was about the field of hope.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

This is so my life. How I’ve felt over the last few months. Some days faking it some days letting it all out. I felt pressed, perplexed, and struck down, but not destroyed had not come to me yet. When I saw those three words I thought of the miacles God HAD chosen to perform in my life and that I could’ve been destroyed, but God held me in His arms throughout my suffering.

Me and Alana had a very deep conversation about all of the anger and what Skip has taken on and when she starts having tantrums at 9 years old we realize the stress they are under as well. When I explained Skip’s job and what he does and then explaining mine that he now has, she got it. Can you believe she went over and switched out the laundry for him? That’s all it takes sometimes.

Then I decided to change things up since most of our bickering happens around dinner time, and came up with battleship dinners. We team up and it has been a blast. Now obviously we cannot have the girls together, but it’s changed the mood and boosted some positivity. We always pray but added what we are thankful for.

Alana made the talent show and couldn’t sleep she was so excited and Madison has seemed to be less anxious knowing I’ll do whatever possible to get her to be at school for the last month of middle school. We have a lot of people giving us support and options for CA but still have a few days until the biopsy results return. The preliminary were what we expected, breast metastsis but we have to wait for what it feeds on, receptors. If we decide it will work to come out every two weeks we may need help with buddy passes, BOGO coupons or sky miles as it’s a good $400-500 per ticket. Otherwise we will rent an apartment for a few months. But again, we wait with preparation and no idea what is next, and still hope there is a cure, a miracle for me in Dr. Kesari’s lab.

Thank you for all the love and prayers continuing to flow and the accountability from our online study. I needed it so much. Peace be with you all.