This is War

I’m beginning to see the new war that has been waged against me, and how easy this one can take me down. I have not experienced daily torture of my mind, body and spirit all at once before. One, or two at a time, but never all three.

Physically my body seems to be recovering with small advancements like, being able to stay awake for the day, or walking into a store, making myself a grilled cheese, and today, walking around the backyard. It hurts, I can barely see what swirling color lies in front of me, I’m constantly walking a balance beam, but I must stay active. I must tell myself, “I will get better.”

I’m an instant gratification person. I’ve been a graphic designer for 15 years, I can erase and add color instantly to anything, which is why I chose it over fine art in school. A forty hour painting, as cool as it looked when I was done, just never 'did it for me.' So I face it all again when a walk around my backyard, it just doesn’t do it for me and my brat self takes over.

My brat self starts saying woe is me. Poor me. Interruption: I instantly thought of my niece Isla, “Aunt Nadine has no hair, aww poor aunt Nadine.” Okay, that made me smile. I do have a brat self, like when I walk around with an Oscar the grouch look, mad at the two feet I walk on, until I realize how blessed I am to be able to walk on these too feet. I know plenty of people who would do anything to have that ability back, and here I am grumbling? So I fight those things constantly. Sleeping for near 48 hours straight was unfathomable, and not being able to life a finger for almost 7 days ate at my soul.

My soul hurt so bad. I cried inside, and outside. I went to places I shouldn’t go and couldn’t escape to the happy places I knew to be safe. It was like a sick nightmare I was living whether I was awake or asleep. Woken up with anxiety in the middle of the night, to my happy go-to place I just made being bleeding over with darkness. Really, I told a friend today, I think I watched too much Harry Potter. I know this sounds insane, but even Harry Potter is too scary for me. I know, ridiculous.

So how can I type this if I have this war raging against me? By taking one tiny step at a time. I literally didn’t take over 1,000 total steps over 5 days, but on the sixth I did all 1,000.  Today, I was half way to goal. Do I fight the urge to just want to cry and get on my bike? Yes. But I am trying, hoping and remembering all of my friends fighting this too, and how we are all thankful to just spend another day, loving the ones we live for.

Do I suffer from PTSD from a stupid seizure? You know it. Every day at least 5 times a day I see it. I relive it. I remember thinking I was about to die because I couldn’t breathe. My friend helped me. We created a safe place to go to, passages of scripture to hold on to, and walked me through my fears until I could get through them and breathe. Deep breathing exercises are awesome and have stopped much panic over the past couple days. I feel my eye twitch, "am I gonna have a seizure" is the first thing I think. My right side hurts so bad from laying on it, "must be a seizure coming!" The problem with this is that you know what? One day again, I’m probably going to have another seizure and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it. The LM has voyaged deep down into my brain, into the meninges where things are more delicate than on that of the outer lining of the brain. Don’t get me wrong, it really doesn’t matter where in the brain cancer is, its not good, but mine, basically just came back worse. So not only do I fight off visions, and the daunting understanding of how advanced my disease actually is, I have to also FIGHT it. How? Not easily these days.

Used to I could do a little unicorn power dance, pray a quick prayer of thanks and happiness, getting outside, feeling the warmth of the Sun. Taking a walk. Now that hurts more than ever. Sadness tries so hard to creep in but I constantly fight the sadness with a little hope, and then a little more. I laugh it off laying there imagining I’m stabbing every tumor individually or erasing them from the MRI with a big giant eraser. I have to remember, “you still have options” while knowing it’s the same person who said, “unfortunately its in a part of your brain that controls balance.” I don’t want this war, I’m tired as all get out of fighting it, but there is this push, this drive, this angel, God, unicorn, whatever, maybe even a little Traci Offenberg voice, making me promise to not give up.

I’ve never experienced this part of the fight. I’ve never wanted to give up more than I did this past Saturday, but all these things, all the people cheering me on, all the short texts that blew up my phone of love, keep me going. My husband having tears in his eyes because he knows how hard it is and he fights his own war while watching mine is enough to tell him I can. I do it because my kids live in oblivion most of the time, and I don’t want them to go through this war of “wait, what just happened? I missed it” and facing a life of regret.

I’m fighting this disease now with every little piece I have left. I’ve tried to explain the last week the best way I know how. It’s been one of the hardest weeks of my life, ranking in the top 3 worst. I want Alimta to work. I want to live a life that God would be pleased with. I want to live a normal life of no cancer. I want a freaking miracle that sticks, not a teaser. I want a lot of things. But you know, in the place where I am at, I cannot expect those things anymore, I can only hope for those things. I must find happiness in the ugly, I most find hope in the hopeless, and trust with all my heart that there is a happy ending to this story. I know God is using me and teaching me and constantly reshaping me with new experiences so I can be ready to share my story, he’s done it for a year and 8 days that I know of for sure. I laugh sometimes when something I have never experienced before comes about, and my mind goes straight to, "well now I can help someone with that too!" So really when the day ends, have I met my challenge with grace? I don't know, some yes, some no. Do I have a smile on my face all the time? Nope. Maybe most of the time, I’d like to think I do, but not always. So really, it’s one giant deep breath so we can be ready for tomorrow. We have no idea what tomorrow brings, but bring it. I’m sick of the mind games, sick of the bed and the couch, sick of the swaying and sick of all the fear. Bring it, because you know what, I always win. Take that stupid cancer. I am going to win.