Dear God

Dear God.

Do you even realize what you’re doing? Do you have someone on my case making sure you know whats going on? How do things work up there? I’m a little pissed. It’s day 19 post seizure number one. Did you know it took me about 13 days to be able to get out and do something fun with my family? It was hard but I made it. Then on day 14 had another beautiful day, and did it! It was nice to be feeling better then BAM. Did you plan it perfectly so that evening I would have my second and third seizures? Awesome. Appreciate that.

So now we are on what? Day 4 or day 19? I will tell you, I’m ready to be put down. I wouldn’t let my dog roam about in misery, so what’s your excuse God? If I’m supposed to be here for some awesome reason, then let’s do this. Get me well so I can preach, counsel, educate, raise funds, be an artist, or whatever it is you so magically have for me here. If not, put me the hell down. This is torture to my soul and the sick part is THAT YOU KNOW IT! I’m obviously not very happy with you.

Daily. I walk around my house, inside, to the bed, bathroom, couch and refrigerator. My gait is shoulder with so I don’t slam sideways (usually left) into the hall wall. I have a way to get down the stairs safely, and honestly I haven’t named the spindles that I hold onto yet. Have you? They must be angels grabbing my hands because I haven’t fallen yet. Did you realize I take roughly 6-8 naps a day and then eat something, anything that sounds good in between? Oh, ya, I have to strategically take my baths now too as apparently the waves of the water gives me a boat sensation, and that doesn’t work for nausea real well. Maybe you could have me just lay on top of the water? I mean you can walk on it supposedly, so why not? Not to mention, getting out of my bath has always been a process all in itself.

You’ve made it so I can barely look at book, (ya, your bible even, that was dumb) for more than a few lines because my eyes feel like they’re gonna pop out of my head. And honeslty, I don’t even want to read about your stories right now. You’re not giving me promised peace and comfort and you HAVE given me more than I can handle! I’m over it! Live up to what you teach.

Oh, and my eyes can barely handle this laptop anymore and I type staring at the keys. I normally can’t proof it anymore so sorry for any of the typos. Oh, and just so you know, my favorite thing to do over the first 14 days was making Shutterfly yearbooks, but now you’ve ripped that from me too. Was it too much to ask to not makes my eyes cross? I fought it super, super hard yesterday, as I so want to get these done for my babies to have and cherish forever, I moved and selected about 700 pictures, and poof, my computer did something weird and all my selections were gone. I cried, but you knew that too, right? Or are you on vacation? Everyone else around here was.

Did you know I got an aggravating note that said my neuro wants to now up my dose of Keppra on top of adding another seizure drug? Sorry. Not going on something else. I already feel side effects from 3-4 different drugs, all overlapping, in a person whose only been on Synthroid and a couple of Advil most her life. Let’s look at this!! I’m going to list the ones I have in case you misplaced your list:

Keppra: psychoneurosis (I have no idea what that is but I probably have it), drowsiness, weakness, nervousness, headache, abnormal behavior (no way! Not ME!), hostility (Can I jump over the counter and punch the receptionist in the face? Maybe a little), anxiety, depression, agitation, aggressive behavior, fatigue, irritability, mood changes, constipation (I added that one because it’s a beauty for me)

Prednisone: Aggression, agitation, anxiety, blurred vision, dizziness, fast heartbeat or pulse, headache, irritability, mental depression, mood changes, nervousness, trouble thinking, speaking, or walking (Funny those are super similar to LM symptoms. Thanks)

Alimta: Low white blood cell count. (This can put you at increased risk for infection. So I guess I can thank you for keeping my family healthy so I don’t get sick.) Low red blood cell count (Anemia), Fatigue (There it is again!!), Nausea and vomiting, Constipation, Poor appetite (That is an inderstatement. Food sucks)

Seizure: fatigue, severe headache, and body aches. Sometimes there are speech and vision disturbances. (Look more side effects! YAY!)

So as you can see God, I am basically a disaster. The last 19 days have been miserable, and I’m just sleeping them away. I just want to cry and then find I can’t even do that as I’m too angry. I’m supposed to stay “stress free” so for maybe the first time ever, the voices are quiet in the house, the lights stay off or I cover them with a headband, I cannot watch movies and talking even tires me out. I have every side effect listed above on top of the disease itself. So add in the unbalanced gait, visual disturbances with light and contrast, the head and back pain, and the anxiety that comes with cancer itself, and we got ourselves a giant perfect storm.

Well as I’m sure you know, my fingers are actually too tired to finish typing this. I have no idea if this even made sense but there it is. That may be how I’ve felt off and on for the last 19 days and honestly, there is probably more that I cant remember, because you’ve jacked that up too. Memory? None. I’ve lost about 16 of the last 19 days. Not even joking. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what we had for dinner the night before and it kept me awake. Guess I should’ve been praying but with all these side effects I’m kind of distracted.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know if I’m cranky, irritated, yell at you, throw a pie in your face, it’s not really who you made me to be. I’m not sorry though if I do, because I’m still really, really angry. You’ve allowed this demon of cancer to live inside me, and it is fighting to get out and I’m right there fighting to get it out too! Where are you? Watching from the sidelines with a stupid grin seeing how far we can go? It’s going to leave my body one way or another. Prefer it be now so I can enjoy watching my children grow and grow old with my husband, but if it’s your will for me to be in heaven instead, then just hurry this up and get it over with.

Thanks in advance.

Nadine

PS. You suck.