Heavy

I woke up with a heavy heart. I know too many people in the midst of the fight with this disease. Before my morning rituals of getting ready I paused and decided to lift many of them up by doing wall pushups. I get zero exercise on most days and thought why not, there is no balancing involved. It was a way of “pushing them up.” Sadly I got to 10 rather quickly, with still more coming to my mind. It’s crushing.

Elizabeth

Kristy

Julie

Julie

Pat

Amy

Brittany

Heather

Luke

Mary

Hollis

Luis

D

Sadly the list will always continue to grow but we will have sisters and brothers on our side lifting each other up when we feel we can’t put one foot in front of the other. Psalm 55:22 Cast your burden on the Lord and he will sustain you.” I can honestly say when I take God with me through my day, I feel stronger. Those days I run through and never acknowledge His presence are the toughest.

Today as I was chatting with my long time chemo sister who is currently struggling in the bone marrow unit. She’s been fighting this bad boy for years! This was her last mega infusion and it’s made her body very angry. As I sat downstairs trying to chug a jar of beet juice and stared out the front door I noticed something cool. Me and Alana made capes from a set Nick and Kristina got over Christmas. I had bought a second one, planning on making one for eli and one for me, but Alana BEGGED to make her own. To my surprise, it was a “sisters together” ST cape. Just realized, it’s our cape. ST she just forgot the 4EVER.

I promised to say a prayer offering for her every time my head went into zapping pain mode since she was having ridiculous headaches. I sooo get it. Feels like someone is electrocuting a spot on my head. No fun and it come’s and goes as it pleases. I also promised her I would keep my bible with me all day. There are so many awesome people out there fighting this fight just needed a little extra umph. God, we have our unicorns, we have magic, we’ve seen miracles and we have hope. Stand by us and fill us with your strength this day and those forward. Do not allow us to fear, but enjoy every day, even when they are not how we would’ve liked them. Let our hearts be peaceful. Let our caregivers be stress free for a moment. Let us take in deep breaths of beautiful air. I don’t expect to be here forever. Shoot, I just painted my kids 2020 Christmas ornaments and you know what, when I get the miracle I’m seeking, lucky me has a closet stuffed with yearly ornaments!

We did get some new news yesterday. I had the CT scan on my sinuses and of course, they look beautiful. So sinus pain, marshmallow swollen eyes, no solutions there. The next step is to stop Alimta and see if it goes away. At first I freaked about that because its my brain drug, but apparently Carbo gets in there too. Whew. WE made the appointment for July 5^th where I will get my first infusion of Opdivo and will get sent home. We can’t decide if we make it into a week trip and take a parent along, or if we do a crazy 24 hour deal where we fly out the 5^th and fly home the 6^th or possibly even the same day. Trusting it all works out whatever way is best.

“Let the morning bring we word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you, show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” Psalm 143:8

I will say it is always intimidating to start a new drug and this is like 15^th bagillion drug. I should be used to it at this point, right!? It’s a little excitement (this could be the one), a little anxiety (Will I get side effects, will I have a serious reaction), trust (give it up and just let the people who know what they are doing, do it) hope (that God gives me longer with my babies). New drug I stand with you, and me, God and my immune system are going to kick cancer to hell and it will never be back. I’m claiming my miracle. I am that 1%.

"The dark one is cancer. " Alana Wall

There’s no fear when I don’t fear the future, and the past is a reminder of miracles and how I’ve made it to today. Be present and give thanks for another day.

“I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him, I tell him my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who know my way.” Psalm 143:1-3