Monday, April 25, 2016

A Mighty Fortress is our God

Howdy. It’s been a little while. I figured no one needed to hear my negative cloud of sadness and ash, so I took some time off from blogging for a minute. I really had nothing nice to write, so you are welcome for sparing you the misery. Too many things were aggravating me, building up negativity and adding to my stress, things that were completely beyond my comprehension. Like huge question marks of “are you kidding me? What are you talking about things?” Once I realized the devil was, how can I say this without cussing, jerking with me, I realized it was time to seek some peace.

I started with a good online streaming of NorthStar Sunday morning with the family which was exceptional as always, I downloaded A Mighty Fortress the last worship song, and listened to it on repeat all day. I prayed a lot but nothing. I still felt like things were flung my way, with articles about cures, and garbage I just didn’t want to see. Okay, it was so bad that I finally told skip that if I had to watch one more video of prince playing or covering, or anything about Prince I was going to lose it. I had kept quiet in respect, but the frustration came out like projectile vomit. I felt bad, it is sad, but I had nothing nice in me.

But then a friend who helped me translate my spiritual letter, came across a notification while she was thinking about me, just under a reiki healing thing. I joined the group (she doesn’t even recall being in it) and I made my request. The funny thing was it was at 8:00. Well, CDT, but I didn’t know that at first. So I went upstairs and fully started letting go of things that bothered me. I soaked in my tub with my piano music playing on shuffle. Until, it decided to change. Good, Good Father comes on and then after that another and then A Mighty Fortress. It was an awesome prayer time and I’m rarely on at 8.

We said prayers right around 9 with the girls and off to bed they went. Skip and I talked for a long time, and it was the first time I really just explained everything I was feeling and angry about. I was glad when he completely understood. I started feeling my happy come back and my positivity boosting. Maybe the Reiki thing did work? All I know is that I sat there and said, “well, when this miracle comes true, what is my purpose. I need to know why God is going to keep me alive. To do what? What will be my calling?” Skip agreed, there would be a reason, and he said for him and the girls. I know that is true, but I feel like there is more.

I fell asleep, deeply after 2 days of not, and awoke with a better feeling. I still didn’t want to get up, but I finally did and we got the kids off to school. I felt okay, not in too much pain and I decided that we needed to go for a bike ride. Skip had a break in meetings and so we loaded up. We even took Jax in the little dog carrier we have never used! It was so beautiful. Almost brings tears to my eyes as we write. The Etowah Greenway is finally connected to Heritage Park and we just rode. Slow and steady with Skip saying 1,000 times, “sit Jax.” He finally got used to it and I couldn’t stop smiling. It was lovely and I just felt like I was breathing air for the first time this week. It’s been hard to even take a full breath.

We head home and I’m just grateful. Thankful. Today marks 3 years since I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. It too came up on Facebook this morning trying to ruin my day, but instead I was happy. Three years fighting this junk and there’s no giving up here. May have some really down days and some really up days with a few other kinds in between, but this is a battle that is far from over. I’ll never forget the doctor reading my report telling me how serious it was and me just smiling with complete confidence that we were going to be fine. Some serious storms have pulled us under to near drowning, but we fight for our life. I have eternal hope, that will not change, but I want to be here for my children and do whatever it is I’m supposed to do.



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