This week has been kind of a blur so I’m going to start with
yesterday. WHAT a day! I woke up feeling stressed. The day prior I had
requested a chat with Dr. Dunbar and finally that evening emailed my laundry
list of concerns and questions. I was pretty sure she and Dr. May were not
communicating as I would like, that this team was failing me, and that we were
completely unloved.
She finally called me yesterday around noon on the way to
Walmart. I pulled over to talk. I ended up in heaps of tears, massive anxiety
as she was NOT happy with me nor appreciated my concerns that no one had
touched base after Thursday’s incidences. Which I still stand by even with what
I am about to write.
We did get off the phone with the plan that she would
discuss and come up with a way to not have a repeat of Thursday and that
Team-May-Dunbar were fighting for me and loved me. I don’t think I liked her
very much getting off the phone or felt like it was honest, because I still had
zero peace. I walked into Walmart in a fog and felt like I may pass out at any
moment. My head was spinning and told the girls I felt like I was being flushed
down the toilet. (Then a dirty old dump truck was in front of us, making this
farting sound, and Alana was sure it was pooping on me while I held on for dear
life. Gee whiz, at least it made us all laugh)
I went home and began talking to Skip. I ended up making 6
quesadillas and by the end I was throwing butter in the pan and he came up and
I slammed the knife down. I was broken. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know
who I trusted anymore. I was completely lost. I did know however that my
standards for a team of doctors could never compare to Team-Barber-Namnoum and
that that was partly my problem. No one will ever be as near and as dear to me
than those two doctors. (Well, Dr. Williams is pretty fantab as well. He makes
the cut as well! Haha) But is all reality, the expectations that I have are
mostly unattainable for any doctor to really achieve. Maybe.
Skip and I went to lay down. I knew if I stayed awake any
longer I may experience my first panic attack or I was already having one, or
it might even be a heart attack. I couldn’t swallow and he was about to throw
up. I remember him saying something about praying. We were cuddled up. He said
two words, and I said two more. He said another and I said another. I think
they were wisdom. Confindence. Discernemnet. Hope. Peace. I really don’t
remember and then I knocked out.
We woke up not too much later and the first thought that
came to mind was the fact I had never really asked Dr. May if she was okay with
this team. I basically threw them together. And so my message was left on the
nurse line for Dr. May to call me back.
I decided I needed Kombucha for the trip I was completely
not in any way ready for and some junk food, along with my daily dose of
Starbucks. After about 10 minutes, Dr.
May’s nurse called. She ranks as one of my all time favorite nurses. We started
talking as she wanted a better idea of WHY actually I needed to talk to Dr. May.
We after a while came up with the question of “Is she okay communicating with
Dr. Dunbar. Is she good with this team.” But before that, I explained ALL my
frustrations, tears, concerns and issues to which her response was, “Nadine,
you’re on a LOT of Prednisone. A LOT.” Oh. Apparently, this is why I am losing
my mind, uncertain about everything, freaking out basically about every one and
everything they are doing and planning. The doctors WERE talking and WERE
praying for me and WERE thinking about me and DO LOVE ME. Huh. This was new
news for me. I have never had a Prednisone issue that I can remember. But it
explained everything and honestly, she made me feel sooooooo much better. I got
off the phone with her and finished shopping. I felt a little bit of that
anxiety chipped away.
We got home and I got my next call from Dr. May who I swear
within seconds was laughing at me. She told me a story of her husband who got
crazy paranoid when he was on them. It was all starting to come together. She
said the exact same things Carmen did and I felt more of that anxiety chip
away. Then she told me about how though she didn’t know how Dr. Dunbar was with
her patients that as a collegue she really liked her. That she was great
communication wise and very on top of things.
Sulk. I suck. They are communicating. I hate you Prednisone!
You are an evil drug with mean powers to make me think that everyone was
against me. Too bad I’m going to have to be on super high doses again, but this
time I’ll be sure to make ZERO decisions about my healthcare during that time.
Now, I’m ready to go on our trip. I feel WAY better.
I made reservations for the hotel and so my packing fiasco
started. It went well until someone made me annoyed and then I was pissed that
I do everything. Prednisone people. It wasn’t that bad and I got this AMAZING
thank you from Skip for always being so on it about our trips. I’d say I’m a
little over the top in planning and cleaning, but no one ever had to do
anything, and really, I liked it. I think it’s fun.
I crashed out that night as soon as my head hit the pillow
and for the first time in over a week, I only woke up once. At 6:30 I was ready
to jump up and go! How exciting we are going on a trip! But instead I lay
there, enjoying talking and decided, it didn’t matter what time we got there,
no stress was allowed.
We finally left around 9 AM. All were happy except for Jax
baby. He was very very sad. We have the dog keeper set, our house keeper set
and off we went. We decided since I felt so awesome with no headache that I
would drive first. It was a little weird at first and my eyes seemed to do
weird things, but no headache. Then somewhere in TN, my phone rings. It’s Dr.
Rudnick. Oh my, I totally forgot!! He starts talking and I pull off at the next
exit so I can talk without distraction.
He had reviewed my scans and asked about our current plan
which he liked! Great1 Then he asked what else were we doing. Well, nothing.
That is when he began telling me about this immunotherapy drug that his team is
having good results with. I had heard about it but it is only apporived for
Melanoma and Lung. Apparently they’ve been using it for others to and he talked
a little about how it would work with insurance and compassionate something
support. That I’m different and that my in my case this could be really good
for me. That this would be done along side Depocyt, as at some point it WILL
stop working. Holy smokes. This is AWESOME. He asked me to do my research on
it, but basically, that is what he would do. Oh, and that there was no need for
me to fly all the way to LA that I needed to spend time with my family and that
we would just touch base as needed. I hung up about to scream! I LOVED HIM! How
exciting. How blessed. Thank you God for amazing doctors.
We did a little research and put calls into Team-May-Dunbar.
They can absorb it and add it to their list of stratedgies. I didn’t even ask
for a return call, I just want them to talk about it and we can figure it out
next week. At this point, I am willing to do pretty much anything. I’m still
asymptomatic and still have every hope of getting our rare miracle.
What a gift. Amazing doctors and teams of people fighting
for us all over the country. IT’s like a dream come true. I can put my hands
up, and let them work, and I can just pray for them all as they do what they
know best to help make this miracle become a reality.
The funniest thing I heard during the entire ordeal was
bat-shit-crazy and it has me rolling. That is what happened to me! I became an
insane lunatic in the midst of an already hard, scary, scary time in our lives.
It feels WAY better to feel so normal. Dr. Rudnick’s call finished the chipping
and I’m back. Bring on DC and all the fun! I’m ready!