Genetic Testing

This was very interesting. We sat for an hour and a half with a genetic counselor. Basically she runs through your entire family history/ancestry and determines if you are a candidate to be tested. She thinks I am a perfect fit for Cowdens Syndrome. Basically, it increases your risk for certain types of cancer, particularly Thyroid and Breast. We have to wait two weeks before the results are in. If positive, we will treat aggressively. Until then, we will likely get our other opinions and not worry too much. :) Thankfully, regardless of this test, we would still be looking at stage one. Getting MRI results Thursday and as long as that shows no spread, we're looking pretty good!

So until Thursday, we keep our eyes upward.

The Cute MRI Girl

I sat down and waited for my MRI. A cute girl walks over to get me and shows me around and gets me ready for the fun morning. I emphasized over and over how badly IV's hurt me, and she calmed me down a bit, but I wasn't getting anything to numb it. We talked and talked and as she was doing it, NOTHING. And I mean I felt nothing. I was in half shock but the greater shock came when she spoke up... "So what are you going to do if you have chemo." I thought for a second and said, "Well I'd hope to get a port." She goes, "I LOVED my port."  I was paired up with a stage 3 breast cancer survivor at age 36. She told me a little bit of how she found it and we talked, but then she told me this amazing story:

My kids were 5 and 7 and I decided to give them jobs. Not jobs like laundry or picking up, but jobs to help me. So they could feel like they were taking part in my recovery. My 7 year old son was to make me laugh and he was great at it! My 5 year old at the time was scared of the dark and had a passy problem, she had 8 at one time. I gave her the job of making my hair grow back. She'd sneak into my room at night, pull back my hat, and rub my head. I'd pretend to be asleep. This scared little girl had the courage to walk down the hall and help her mommy. When she felt the first stubble coming back she was so excited and great empowerment was given to her and taught me so much.

This woman was so inspiring... what a blessing and gift.

First Opinion! Check!

So today marked the first of the doctor appointments. I met with Dr. Corigan and her NPA. One word to some up our hour long talk - awesome. We got serious, she explained everything in fine detail from start to finish and I feel 200 times better already. As it stands at this moment, if MRI and genetic testing are good, it would be a stage 1 breast cancer with a fantastic outcome. I have the lumpectomy / mastectomy options to discuss with skip, but neither one changes prognosis. The difference is that you have only a 2% chance of it recurring if you get a mastectomy opposed to basically having the same chance you had before. They felt strongly everything would come back good. Radiation/chemotherapy would be discussed after surgery to check lymph nodes for metastic disease. Chemo/mastectomy would  be likely if the gene testing came back positive for mutations. It sounds all crazy but I do feel better after talking to them today. Not sure I've laughed that hard since this all started either. I had fun learning  about breast cancer, weird. Lol. Just keeping it light.

Prayer request would be that it is just that one mass. Gene testing looks good. And pray I don't freak out about the stupid IV in the morning. Uh... MRI at 9:00am! Results Thursday! Gene testing takes two weeks! So we should know mid may.

Oh and love that the nurse that checked me in goes, "oh!!! You work at NorthStar!!! I go there and love it!!!" She was awesome and so glad I met her!

Stupid Talk

Two hours of sleep. 1:30AM came around and that was it. My mind raced with what-if's with what my study called "the demons of despair". What if the cancer spread? What if I die, what will my kids do? This is going to be hard, scary, and I'm not sure I can do it. Am I healthy enough... an hour of it will literally make you lose your mind. All the while God's sweet voice kept whispering ever so softly, just go do your study with me... and I was not wanting to. It's one in the morning, are you kidding??? Nope. So down I went. I opened my book and it said, "He heard the tempters voice telling him to give up, but David instead turned his eyes toward God". He was waiting for me to go down and turn my eyes toward him. And oh the sweetness when we do.

I finally made my way down after tossing and turning and losing my mind. And of course, what would be the focal point of our study? Do not despair, for God is good. At one point I kinda of laughed, in the words of the book, it said, "Don't inflame the situation with stupid talk, keep your mouth shut and hold onto God's promises." He told me to shut up!! (I really do talk to much, I know) He impressed quiet, confidence, strength, promises, goodness, hang on, be still, for the entire next hour... My favorite was Isaiah 30:15 and I wrote it on my hand (which will probably end up on my face after I go to bed here soon) "In quietness and trust shall be your strength." Well, I don't know about anyone else, but that pretty much sums it up for me. I would love to pull out every tid-bit he showed me tonight, let's see if I can do it before my computer dies!

"People say "She is so strong, how does she do it?" I'll tell you how: we fix our HOPE on our promise-keeping God."

"Stand firm and see the salvation of the Lord... The Lord WILL FIGHT FOR YOU and you ONLY HAVE TO BE SILENT." Ex 14:13-14

Say no to despair. (It came to me like Say no to drugs) It made me giggle.

(I had to plug in, this was all too GOOD!) "David consistently ANCHORED HIS FAITH in the WHIRLWINDS of life." I was telling a friend today, that it's all just a whirlwind right now, so when I read this I could visualize this amazing picture of a beautiful anchor in the storm of life... I can't wait to paint it!

Psalm 27:13 "I would have DESPAIRED unless I had believed that I WOULD SEE THE GOODNESS OF GOD IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING." Now. present. I WILL see the goodness of the Lord. I can't wait to witness God's work, it excites me! And in the land of the living, well, that is here and now, in my lifetime... "It's a matter of sheer faith. God's goodness gives us permission to VISUALIZE the kind of result he CAN bring about AGAINST ALL ODDS." I told you this was good!!!

At this point, I'm trying to figure out how he so perfectly knows when I'm going to struggle and has every word ready just in time... So what are my circumstances? What are those things we all want to see happen, against all odds. I have plenty.

Unfortunately James McDonald ended the lesson with "The reality is you may never see a change in your circumstances. The life of faith doesn't know whats going to happen; it simply maintains the perspective that "with God, all things are POSSIBLE."" I'll be honest, I listed 3 things, and that is kinda a blow. My husband knows I like a happy ending in movies otherwise, the movie "was awful and i hated it." - every time. (Even if it was really good.) But then I guess I can't be like that with the storms of life, right? If it's all good and then the end is sad, I would never say I hated my story...

Thank you God for bringing me back to you tonight. Help me continue to keep my eyes fixed on you. Show me your goodness and fill me with your strength. Because when I try to do it in mine, I always fail. I understand you are in control, and that it's not my will but yours, but please Lord, please heal me. I want to see my babies grow up. I want to hold my honey close. Please don't let me miss that... Please. Help me find strength in your arms tonight. Help me know without a doubt that you are by my side, and that you are fighting for me. Amen.

Brooklyn Joes & Family

We had a great night. We devoured 3 large pizzas, chicken nuggets, and a kids spaghetti and it was soooo good! We laughed a lot and my little niece Isla was a crack up. She was laughing at everything - such a joy. It was so nice to have all the distractions. Feeling peaceful...

Coincidence?

I had planned on going to lunch with Madison today and chatting to her teacher about what we could put in place this next month to have a support group for Madison. Instead, she was replaced by a substitute. As she walked down the hall I thought, uh. So we went to Chick-fil-A and we ate outside which was SUPER fun. Madison started, "Mom. Can I have 50 cents? We are having a cupcake contest and it raises money for cancer. Ms. McNeal told me she had cancer and I told her my mom did too." That's how I told her I had cancer again. It was just that perfect God moment. She was calm, the sun was warm, the breeze was blowing, it was quiet. I stayed with the present and reminded her there would be a lot of appointments. When we finished our chat we went outside and did Fun Friday. As we watched the kids play, I heard Ms. McNeal mention her son had recently asked if she'd lose her hair again. I asked her if she had battled breast cancer and she said yes. I think we were both shocked for a second, but then she went into her treatment, doctors, everything... It was so good, such an encouragement. By late afternoon we had already exchanged emails and I had already begun the process of contacting her doctor at Emory. There is no such thing as coincidence, it's just God.

The Diagnosis

The phone didn't leave my side. I waited so patiently, jumping at every call. I finally left the office and headed home. As I approached the Sixes exit I thought, huh, I should just go into Northside and I should see if they have the results. They had me wait - they had been checking all morning. Then I was called back. She said they had literally JUST had them faxed over. They led me into the "consult" room. Dr. Whitney sat down in the chair beside me with deep eyes and silence. I said, "don't look at me like that." and she started, "It's bad." I wasn't sure what that meant other than I once again had cancer. We talked and I remember texting Skip, "get Alana now. It's bad Skip. It's cancer". The biopsy showed that it was Infiltratory Mammory carcinoma, Level 3, with lobular and ductal features, with nesting and branching. The good news, she says, is that it's very very small, but this needs to be hit hard and fast. The next step would be to call doctors and set up an MRI. The ladies that had seen me through that entire week were all together in the hallway and hugged me. I will never forget them...sweethearts.

4-20

I woke up with my heart rate at 110 bpm. My anxiety was in full swing. I wondered how in the world I would make it through 12 miles.

I started my leg of the race and was feeling great! I flew down the first downhill, went to shift into an easier gear, and snap. Nothing. A half mile in and I was stuck in one gear.

So the choice presented itself. Do I quit? Letting my team and team mate down? Or do I at least try? I decided I would at least finish the next 3 miles. I kept going as fast as I could down and would climb as high as I could, jump off and run the rest of each hill. I probably got off 20 times.

I started passing people. It made no sense but I felt awesome. My legs were at their push point on every hill, but somehow, I felt strength and happy feeling.

I started thinking, if I can do this, I can survive anything. I got stronger. About half way through God spoke to me in one of those amazing unexplainable kind of ways. It was a story...

"See. Sometimes life is like a bike ride. Sometimes you get to go downhill (my favorite) and it's fun, exciting, and fast. Sometimes we're in the flats and we feel steady, strong and going along with the flow. There's a few bumps and rocks along the way, but nothing too hard. Then sometimes life is like the climb. And you know what? Sometimes you're just going to have to jump off and walk. The hill may be steep, hard and painful, but I'm going to help you make it to the top."

A new sense of survivorship was revealed to me and I was instantly filled with peace, the special kind. See, I woke up that morning knowing what this week would bring. I am scheduled to have a core biopsy on a suspicious mass i found on my breast and I am scared to death. I know what happens if its malignant. I saw it on film and I can't get the picture of the mass out of my head. But again, after that ride with my Best Friend, it doesn't shake me like it did that morning.

I  am thankful for the little mini sermon God shared with me that morning. I hope you are blessed by it and I am asking that you will pray with me for a benign result.

Love and hugs. :)