The Nitty Gritty Boring Details

Well. I told skip I was going to veg out but I can't let 35 minutes of waiting (it's a surprise why I am waiting) go to waste. So, here's a shot at the last couple of days! (Sorry, this one is kind of boring)

Our trip to Tybee was amazing and the drive home was peaceful, painless and quite enjoyable. I think I dozed often but overall I don't remember it, other than the stopping for food fiasco, so that's good! (No one seems to want the same fast food choices these days so you can figure how long it takes us to stop once. Hehe. I kind of like it now)

Sunday I walked in and literally shoes on and everything plopped on the couch and passed out. Skip got everything unpacked, cooked, washed, really everything you can think of. He's the best mommy-daddy ever!

Sunday overnight was filled with gastric bloating and horrible fullness that almost makes you want to stick your fingers down your throat but you know that won't help. So I shifted and turned all night. It was rough. 

Then we woke up for Monday. Got my school morning selfies with the girls and off to school they went! Crash, back on the couch goes skip, Jax and I. All I can think is this is so comfortable but that our to do list is REAL AND skip is officially working today. (At some point I did hear him ask how he did that all day every day all the time!!? He was pretty wiped too) 

My mom arrived and we hit it hard. Plane flights, hotel, insurance leads and forms, little stuff and big stuff. 5 hours went by and I barely scratched the surface. By 5pm we closed up shop. That was a full time job but we have a great plan!

I have a spine MRI at 1:30 today and bloodwork tomorrow to confirm how low my blood levels are gonna go. We fly out to MDA this Wednesday night and meet Dr B Thursday morning. We have NO clue what to expect but we're told 5-7 business days. We are going with 5. I assume there will be a lot of poking and prodding and meeting and explaining but beyond that it's a glorious journey I can't WAIT to embark on! Ok. Stay on track Nadine!! Plan is to return October 7th in case the first course of treatment remains and we finish chemo course 1. 

Now. Because I thought, prayed and dwelled on this one situation enough to lose it, we decided we needed to come home for the weekend. I know, additional travel, additional germs, additional exhaustion, BUT my daughters homecoming dance is that evening and I couldn't imagine not doing her hair and makeup and pictures and seeing how excited she was in person. So. We did it. And... Because I'm the coolest wife ever I made the plane ticket back to Houston at 10:00pm so on our way to the airport, oh say, 2:00, we might just have a few minutes to lay on the grass at centennial and watch Foo. (It was our GREATEST Christmas gift to skip EVER and I was crushed when he reminded me MDA fell during it. He was so cool about it, me not so cool.) so there you are, the week of crazy after a week of chemo. I just want to make sure if for some reason Gods will is something drastically different from what we are praying that we make every moment of every day of every second count like its never counted before. 

So some may think wow. That's too much even for a healthy person, you're right, but I plan to sleep a lot in the betweens and keep myself fueled with the power and strength of the one who so graciously gives it. Praying the airport travel is smooth, that upgrades are available and that germy people are not around us. I am praying for amazing answers and results and to be blown away by the level of care and expertise of Dr Booser and his team. I pray for all my angels behind us that you all pray when prompted and never hesitate to drop a text. You encourage us more than you know!! We pray you are overly blessed by how you've blessed us. It's time to go. 

I have to share my surprise... It's gonna be pretty funky! 

Love you all LOTS and lots!!

God's got this too. 

the pic was my surprise! :)

12 Hours and Counting! Woot!

Tonight was AWESOME. After a day of no energy and a lot of napping we decided we would attempt dinner and the ghost tour. 

We picked the Crab Shack and the atmosphere was amazing. Lights strung, bay breeze, all outdoors and I was happy  as pie to be out! I tried some crab stew and some smashed potatoes but really the ginger ale and pile of saltines ended up being the best meal of the day! Mmm, saltines...

Oh. Have I mentioned pain free for over 12 hours? Yep. Nada! 

We arrived at the ghost tour and skip wheeled me around the city. It was more of a history lesson than a ghost story tour but it was still cool and we had our own "supernatural" experiences! They involve light bulbs, and I can explain later, but for those that know stories of my grandma bow's passing, you will know why I wrote that. 

We walked our long mile and I just felt better and better as we strolled. Alana ended up in my lap and snuggled between stories and walks. Madison was all ears and up front loving every second of the stories. Found out that Madison Square in Savamnah just happens to be the second most paranormal active place in the country. No wonder she is so intrigued!

When it was over I got everyone to go to the river!! Ice cream for all (I even ate a few spoonfuls - mad sugar rush!) we walked along the river a little way and found a bench to park it for a while. So beautiful. 

Skip and I found Huey's and walked over to take our picture in front of the restaurant. One of our most favorite dates was hopping in the car one afternoon and driving to Savannah JUST to have dinner at Huey's. Pasta Louisianna (now pasta jambalaya) was I guess something we were craving! Had an awesome meal and drove home. Not sure why it took us so long to come back but so glad we got to share all of these stories and memories, while making new ones with our babies. 

I have TREASURED every moment with my skips mama and warren. Love them to itty bitty pieces and think this was one of my favorite trips of all time. Which is kind of crazy seeing how lethargic I've been, but it could've been a lot worse considering.

Thank you all for the continued prayers! It's so obvious that we have an army of angels following us. 

Off to the condo and hoping for a good night sleep. I'm feeling like it'll happen :)

Hugs to all! Muah. 

The Ultimate Sunrise

Finding hope. 

I went to bed last night beyond grateful for the urgency of my doctors to get me into MD Anderson. We will be leaving Oct 1-7, which perfectly falls between my two next appointments. Gods timing IS perfect. I'm really excited, nervous, eager, scared... So many emotions but one of peace knowing these are the doctors for me. 

I woke up at 5 AM which means I slept 6 hours. Longest time I've slept in at least a week. I got a cup of coffee (operation #prayforpoo is underway again) and water and sat on the balcony. It was so quiet I could hear the ocean. So dark that the Stars filled the sky. I just sat, watching the cats, praying, hoping, pleading, hurting. 

I climbed back in bed around 6 and there is something about nestling up in skips arms that takes the pain away every time. I find myself there more often than ever. It's calm. It's warm. It's love. 

I grabbed his hand and asked him if we could wake the kids and watch the sunrise. He was all in. Got the girls up with a little drama (not too too bad) and we were all on our way. Even Jax. It was pitch black. We walked out to a swing and all snuggled. It was one of the most beautiful, amazing moments of my entire life. 

We watched fishing boats, pelicans, the sun literally rise over the next hour. Time seemed to stand still for a moment. It's a memory I hope will be with my girls forever and ever. I know for me and Skip, it was magical. No picture will ever do it justice, no amount of adjectives could ever describe the overwhelming beauty we witnessed this morning. 

And for the entire hour I was pain free. 

Not something that happens often. 

Thankful for this new day and thankful for every moment, even if they have to come at weird hours. 

Best morning ever. 

The Long Road Up

So. Think about being on a bike and you look up to see this huge mountain with a steady road to the top. That is how out day began. 

Eleven to six. Those are the hours of my worst pain experience since this began. I turned, breathed, prayed, crouched, twisted, like I was in labor, all night long. My pain meds didn't touch it and I started crying thinking how could I ever start chemo feeling like this. 

I somehow managed to get myself dressed and downstairs. Skip was making the final packing arrangements. We were supposedly leaving for Tybee when chemo was up. 

It was a long quiet drive to cumming. We prayed a lot, prayed psalms and read over promises from God I had highlighted through the years. We were excited to get things started, but scared as I was still fighting a mad amount of pain. 

When we arrived we didn't wait long and the dreaded first access on a two day old port was done. That HURT but so thankful for it! Blood drawn from it and IV fluids drip into it. It's my squishy and I love her. 

We picked a chair in the infusion center. It's much more quaint than going to Emory Factory. But I like it. I even had a chair with butt warmers and massage!!! Now that's cool. 

The nurse came over and starts explaining that my blood looks ok but there is a gross amount in my urine. Linked to the back pain? Probably. We got approval to move on even though it's hard on the kidneys. 

As the chaos is happening skip takes a call from the radiation oncologist, Dr Simon. He tells me that the two spots in the brain actually appear to have tails stretching into the ducts for spinal fluid and that it would be best to do a spinal tap to determine if we are now battling spinal fluid metastasis as well. 

Talk about getting knocked down. The hill was seemingly impossible to climb at this rate and I started losing it more than I had already been losing it. We decided to go into warrior mode and skip walked over to medical records and personally watched the girl send records to MD anderson. I have to say, I have never been more excited to get out there!!

I did my chemo and it was fine. Nothing crazy the day of but that's pretty typical anyhow. I'm curious to see how this plays out. Everyone is so different. 

Because of the severe back pain my urologist had the dr order an X-ray of the stent. We needed to make sure the kidney was not blocked back off. Thankfully within 15 minutes we had results and she released us to go on vacation. 

Finally. Good news. On the way back to the car we happened to run into Dr Simon. He is super sweet and though I've determined he isn't qualified to treat me, running into him brought a little more peace. We told him with the new findings we are more eager to get to MDA more than ever and he said if it were him, he would do the same thing. Then proceeded to ask us if we had the CD of today's scans and walked us to radiology , got it all set up, and we now have everything we need to satisfy the MDA requests!! It's looking up. I think we are getting farther up the climb than we ever thought we could.

We got in the car and met mom, piled in the car and headed into the world of rush hour. So what was supposed to be a 4 hour drive we've managed to make it 6. It would normally stress me out but as we started our journey we prayed for our travels and so I know whatever stall, stop, whatever, was just put in place to keep us safe. Divine distractions. 

So I type this as we drive. 1.20 min left until we get to Tybee. Skips mom

And warren are already there we just get to show up and settle in. I'm not sure what the next day's bring, but so glad I found enough strength to make it to the top. 

We are peaceful, letting the worries of what's next go for a few days, and look forward to just being a family. I may not post for a few days. But that might give Facebook a time to recoup also!!

Can't wait to see how many cancer cells die and how clear my scans are because I have a feeling, and it's a good one. 

Made it back to the top of this mountain. 

It Feels Like A Carnival Ride

It's quite unreal how high and low you can go in a 24 hour period. 

I got my port yesterday. I was fairly nervous as my previous experience was not good, but this one was wayyyyy better. It's a blur, praise Jesus. It's a little sore and I slept most of yesterday away, but found a little ooomf to watch my kids run the Cherokee Fair. Skip wheeled me back and forth and I even got to ride the Ferris wheel!! The kids laughed and smiled bigger than ever and being with my entire family was just what I needed. Didn't matter that I just had surgery, I HAD to do it, just to prove to myself I was  still strong. 

I am pretty sure I slept last night but I awoke today not feeling awesome. I had told skip,"at least there is nothing painful today!" Wrong. The echo cardiogram had me lay on my left side which is my worst side. No fun but I did hear her say she didn't see any fluid around the heart. That's good. 

Then it was radiation oncology at the other hospital. They made my mask to stabilize the head and I'll have 1-2 treatments to zap the little brain tumors into oblivion. It was cool though painful as all get out to lay on my back. I prayed and prayed for God to keep me still and to take the pain away. 

She told me this was only ten minutes but that the next time would be 45. That's a little concerning. But will tackle that bridge when it comes. 

I got home wiped out from the morning festivities, but my stomach still wasn't right. I started having liver pain and spasms, and the bloating and nausea were over the top. We started with juice and milk thistle and prayed for poo. 

Thank God we did, because for the first time in a day I can breathe. I'm not exaggerating. It's like you have a rounded brick strapped just below your rib cage. Pressure, pain, can't breathe. It's the best way I can describe it and it's awful. 

I can't imagine going into chemo feeling this drained and sick, but we are going to pray hard tonight that tomorrow is a good day. That my digestive system continues to work, that the chemo has minimal (better yet no) side effects, that all is uneventful and that my body tolerates chemo-juice #1. I have every drug under the sun ordered and ready to go, I have all my herbal remedies ready to go, now we just have to figure out how to pack for 4 people before bed. Hehe. Should be interesting, but looking forward to some ocean waves.

Please if we run across your mind this weekend say a prayer for us. Not entirely sure this is the smartest plan in the world to go vacationing on chemo but again, my stronger side says we have to. 

Thanks to everyone who is cooking for us and bringing meals. I cannot tell you how much you have helped Skip. It's so hard to make special meals for everyone and their diets, the fact that so many have prureed, juiced, and whatever for me on top of making fabulous dinners for skip and the girls has just overwhelmed and blessed us so. Can't thank you enough. 

Tomorrow will be a big day of prayer. We stand in unity and strength and in power that this cancer WILL be defeated and we will see remission. Gods got this!!

Chemo for life. Milk for life. Prayers for life. Let's do this!

You Will Be My Squishy, Forever.

Today was port day and unfortunately 6:30 am came all to quick as I didn't sleep well. My stomach was pushing in all directions. I felt so ill and hurt all night. Then again, as I write that, being wiped out likely helped me stay calm as I got the dreaded IV. I'm usually a spaz and I didn't move. Ok. Blessing.

Skip came back and prayed over me (I'm pretty sure I looked bad) and then put some headphones in my ears to drown out the loudest hospital I've ever been in noise. Every time I got irritated I prayed for the loud people, but from the moment we walked in until leaving, for whatever reason, EVERY person was over the top. He put on some Toby Mac radio and I can't remember what song came on but I shared it with him. It was REALLY good. Tears ran down my face, God has this too. 

Thankfully, this port experience was night and day different from the last. My first one they gave me "loopy drugs" and I kid you not as I feel them cutting into me I'm like,"um, I am VERY aware of what is going on, not cool." After that, I don't remember a thing. Hehe. This time I really was loopy and though I felt things on and off, it may have been the first time that drug actually worked. 

I came back and met skip, got a little nap and then started getting my energy back. Finally I was feeling good and was ready to go!

Then a turn of events. We picked up Alana and at a stop light I had what I will dub as insta-nausea. Like from perfectly normal to OH NO I'm going to be sick. Threw the door open and it happened. Except I notice that it is massively flaked with fluorescent green pieces. I'm telling skip I need your phone while hanging out of the car door in the middle of riverstone blvd. I'm laughing now as that must've been hilarious. I need a pic of my puke!

With the partial bowel obstructions and how bad my night was, I just didn't want to assume anything and I can't tell you how weird that was. Alien puke! Ew. Doctor has since called and seems unconcerned and I'm feeling less nauseated after my ear-plugged, pillow-mania, awesome-sauce nap. So for now, we will blame it on the drugs. 

I know my days will be up and some will be down. I was blessed with a crazy up-stretch and am beyond thankful for those. I want this to be real, so I'm not complaining when I'm down, just recording. My body is fighting cancer and I can't even imagine what that looks like internally. But I am still confident that God is providing a miracle for us. I have faith I will be healed. May not be in my preferred timeline, but I just feel it's going to happen. 

Thanks for all who have texted, emailed, called and more. Sometimes I can't respond, and that honestly breaks my heart. Don't think I've ignored you, just some days I could live on my phone if I tried to respond to every one. But so you know, it makes me feel loved. It fills my heart to know you all are there. I love you all. 

So, to close out, one more thing marked off the list... Port, check!

Oh, and before I forget, my port's name is squishy. I woke up around 5 and thought ooooh, what will I name it this time!? And then Dory in Finding Nemo popped in my head. "I will name you squishy and you will be my squishy." 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lwGN73izZmw

Weekend Activities

What an amazing weekend! We stayed a good kind of busy...

Saturday morning started with our prayer circle at the lake that maybe tripled in number since the week before! Our blue herons were there, the sun was beautifully placed, the weather was brisk and fall was in the air. This time Skip came with me and we prayed some big bold prayers. I can't describe the site and the overwhelming feeling that circulates through your body, but those Saturdays give me a power that is something like I never have had before.

I went home and grabbed a nap, because the night before was brutal. For whatever reason, nights remain hard. For some reason as my body relaxes, the most cancer filled areas feel the need to shout and spasm. Regardless, I caught an amazing nap and then chilled around the house until cheer.

Yes, I am still bound and determined to watch and support my kids at their little events, but when we got to sprayberry and we saw how far I was going to walk we knew that the idea of buying a mommy stroller was not just an idea anymore. Oh, and yes, I want a stroller because I had never seen one, and it looks super cool. So during the trek across the field I stopped multiple time to let the pain in my bones chill. We got almost there and I looked at Skip like no way. So he popped me up on his back and carried me up to the stadium. It was the sweetest EVER!

We got terribly beat but watching the girls was as beautiful as ever. I love seeing how big and beuaituful Madison has come and the joy cheering brings to her. It's so evident as the smile she has NEVER gets wiped off her face when she is there.

We finally made it home and to bed, and unfortunately, another night of pain, but slept a little more than the night before.

Sunday I was up by 5:30, and all I could think about was getting to church. Skip's mom and Warren were going to meet us there and then we were going to a bike ride that had planned in our honor. I just want to say church was UNREAL. I always get that, "Aw, mikes not preaching today..." feeling when someone else gets up, but I had prayed for the message and what awesomeness did God have in store for us!! I think I'll need to listen again, but just so everyone knows, the new High School Pastor at NorthStar is unreal and I left there with a full heart and soul.

We made it over to the bike ride. Now I had my bike and for those that are thinking WHAT!!??? A BIKE??!! You have to understand it hurts worse to walk than it does to be on a bike. The preasure on the pelvic bone when I walk is so bad. The cancer has just settled into some spots that make it miserable to walk. So I hopped on my bike and planned to ride the little flat road. But when we got to the back, peer pressure (not really) got me to do the beginner mile. It took several times of me fighting back tears of joy. I cannot tell you how many times I thought about the fact I'd never ride again. And as I was peaceful about where God was going to take me, he allowed this gift. I have to thank the Sorba chapter for Allatoona. Mary, Tammy, and John knocked it out. Not only raising money, but giving me one of the greatest gifts. I never wouldve sat at the trail all day. I never would have attempted to ride my bike. I cannot thank them enough for the support and for the support our bike family came out to give us. We are forever grateful.

Last night we got an amazing gift and Victoria Nielson took our family photos. The entire family...they have turned out beautiful and the love she captured is real. God worked through her and her camera to make some beautiful moments come to life with the people in this world I love most. Thank you big time my sweet friend, your gift of a picture is priceless.

Now, ready for some awesomeness?
1. I slept through the night.
2. No pain.
3. We slept in.
4. I still have no pain.

Prayers are being answered daily. The cancer inside me is dying, we are confident and we are expecting God to perform the biggest miracle. Can't wait!

Morning Dose of Confirmation

I was laying in bed with Skip reading scriptures hearing God loud and clear on some things we have been discussing and then his phone rang. It was Emory. 

I had been emailing with my doctor at Emory trying to get squeezed in and it just didn't work out. I emailed her this morning with the plan of action and expressed my gratitude of her keeping in touch. I didn't expect the call. 

She proceeded to ask me questions, went through my biopsy results and plan and basically in the end agreed with the plan all the way. She was very encouraging and very personable and truly made me feel extra positive that we had made the right decision. We talked about MD Anderson and she said she had recent patients go with the same diagnosis and they are on the same plan. So for now, she felt to hit this hard and fast at home was the absolute best thing to do. She is willing to be by my side through the next eight weeks as an advocate/advisor for anything I need and we will touch base and be sure we are on the same page for the next set of treatments. It feels awesome to have two doctors looking out for your care from two separate health systems!! Blessing? I think so!! I couldn't be more thrilled.

I'm at Northside now for my detailed brain MRI, imagining what fun it would be if they've disappeared and smiling.

Pray for bone pain. It's a hard fight today. Apparently it's my trade off for sleeping through the night. #stillstrong 

A Perfect Plan

We've been looking forward to this appointment for an entire week. It has been eight days since I was diagnosed and time has seemed to barely move since then. We knew it was breast cancer but how to treat it would depend on the receptors. Sometimes they can change and morph when the cancer returns. 

We head out to the Cumming location to see Dr. May. We sat fairly quietly as I filled out my mountain of paperwork. I can't help to think I'm checking off more and more ailments the older I get. How sad! We finally arrive and are a little early. Skip ran into Petsmart and then rolled through the Starbucks. I pulled up my email, and the God stories begin...

Early this morning I had asked a friend to email Madison's teachers and counselors to make sure everyone knew what was going on. I see a knew message from her science/ social studies teacher that makes me lose it. She explained how they were all contacted Monday with the news and were already on it. Madison was randomly placed by computer with who I now know were the exact teachers she needed to be with. These teachers are all christians and promise to be praying for her every day. A few days ago, she told us about Mr. Pence silently giving her a penny. She was confused and told us every day how he kept giving her one. This morning I told Skip, maybe it was a penny for her thoughts! I was wrong. you ready? Brace yourself... The penny is significant of the teacher's praying for her that day. Every day she will get another penny. And though it may seem insignificant at first, over time, she will have a collection of pennies, or should we say prayers. I was reading this email out loud, barely able to get the words out. 

All I could think was how I would pray every summer for my kids teachers and for Madison to be in the right place. This was the biggest answer to prayer. I remember going to open house thinking, okay God, not sure what you're up to, but teachers in trailers have to be cool to work outside, so I'm cool. So after I've peeled myself up off the floor and into the building, the fun continues.

We walk into the reception area and I filled out a few things and my phone rings. But as it does I hear someone talking to my husband and I hear, "Alana." I quickly turn around and it is a class mom from Alana's class last year. Now, if you didn't know, that was like one of my favorites classes ever and seeing a familiar face brought me a bit more joy. It was so nice.

We sit down. Skip touches my leg and says, "look." All I can muster out is "shut up." There right in front of us are the letters H O P E. It was all too much. Ok God, you have our attention. Is this where we are supposed to be?

We quickly meet Dr. May and this go around is hundreds times better. She constantly looked me in the eye and we talked about everything! She explained my tumor had in fact changed, but not much and I was still Her2 negative and ended up being ER positive and PR negative. So I'm not triple negative, just double negative. I'm not sure what all that really means, but we devised a plan.

Starting next Thursday, I will begin 4 rounds of Adriamyacin and Cytoxin over a short 8 weeks and then we will redo the PET scan. Yes, those are brutal drugs and I will be nasty sick, BUT she wants to see remission. We are praying it wipes this stuff out and then we can replace with hormone therapy. The HOPE is the cancer cells die and stay dead. The possibilities are it doesn't work, and then we go to the next treatment. It does work, but it comes back within months. I am put into complete remission, and we get years? I can't even imagine that is possible, but it could be.

And just the way everything worked on the calendar, the tiny window for me to be able to get radiation just happens to fall on the 30th. So, again. Perfect plan.

We have an MRI tomorrow, next week holds an echo cardiogram and port placement and then Thursday being the big day. We are leaving for Savannah that afternoon so she is pumping me with all kids of good stuff and then sending home the shot for skip to give me the next day. (Thats what she thinks but I will likely stand on a street corner waving down a nurse before I let him jab me with a needle, just sayin)

The cancer center was super home like and small. Completely different from what we are used to, but it felt peaceful. It felt calm and when we left it felt like a HUGE burden was lifted off my shoulders. It was a lot like the day I asked God into my life, a peace that is undeniable, a weightless feeling, something I cannot explain. We figure we will still go to MD Anderson, but we have to wait until the first round is over.

I know it's a big prayer, and our God can make big miracles. But we are asking that these next 9 weeks produce remission. How amazing would it be to get a PET scan and the doctors say, "it;s gone!" I am telling you I would be on mountain tops praising God and Skip laughed saying he would too, and that's HUGE! HA! We are confident this can happen and our hope is real. We are staying positive and taking one section of the journey at a time.

Our social worker talked to us for a good hour and I think if nothing else I left there knowing one, it was absolutely ok to have a pity party, just don't stay there, and that we are discovering our new norm. It's something we keep talking about, and honestly like. It's a scary place to be, but if the new norm includes slowing down, snuggling every second, make time precious, helping us pray more than ever and changing our perspective on life in general, well, then, I guess I'm okay being here.

I wake up every day with a thankful heart, that I'm given another day with my precious family, amazing friends and given another chance at doing life right. I go to sleep tonight, still pain free after a long night of lover pain, and lay here with my husband. He has been by my side almost 24 hours a day for 8 days and I cannot tell you how loved I feel. This nasty disease always seems to find a way to make you stronger, find blessings, and more. Just the way it works, so tonight, I fall asleep with a smile, a peace, a gratefulness for the miracles have only just begun.

Thank you for being a part of our journey, you are our partners in this and we are going to fight this all together. Thank you for praying for us, standing in the gaps for us, taking care of us, lifting us, supporting us, this is going to be a long journey, but together we can find hope. Together we can find a cure. Together we are going to be 15%.

God bless.

Rad Onc

Rad onc is short for radiation oncologist. Yes, you learn something new every day.

Skip and I got in to see Dr. Simon asap. It was determined I have two tumors on my brain in the cerebellum. I got to see them, and I know its not cool, but it kinda was cool to look at. We talked for a solid half hour about options and techniques including gamma knife and linear accelerator. he started with gamma knife, "...and they will drill this screws in your head to hold your head still..." pretty sure I looked and him and said "OH HELL NO." Whatever I said from there was all nervous talk and then he proceeded to the next. I was intrigued by both but my anxiety was through the roof. We decided we would go home and do a little research, pray about our decision and talk tomorrow.

I got home and about two hours later, he called me back and shared his concerns. He picked up on my nervousness and anxiety. He did a little digging and talked to some colleagues and that they have determined that the linear accelerator with the face mask would be much more tolerable and non invasive, and would be perfect for me! I was blown away that he would take time after seeing me and show that much care and concern.

I left that afternoon with his cell phone in hand which as you all know, is huge to me. I felt like instead of having to go home and search out this scary decision, God just took hold and made it for us. We are feeling the power of prayer in so many ways. Just another mini-miracle to praise God for.

We have a super detailed MRI this Friday, make the mask sometime next week and we should be doing radiation September 30th. When I tell you also how this date becomes so significant, you will again see the power of perfect timing. Excited to zap these suckers out!

Oh, and if you're wondering, the chemo I would do for breast, doesn't work on getting into the brain.

Rush to the ER

The girls left and all was quiet. Exhausted and overwhelmed, I slid down the front of the refrigerator, sat on the floor and laid my head in Skip's lap. We talked about how amazing the support was and then he looked at me funny. "You need calories baby." So he pulled out a shake, made me drink and we realized I was pretty out of it. I slept fairly well that night and by morning I was starved and had a pretty decent breakfast. We noticed a few things. One, I had zero pain. The first time since I was diagnosed. 2. I was still exhausted, even after sleep. 3. I was slurring my words and had some pretty bad dizziness if I turned my head to quickly to either side. It was like I was drugged and I had not taken a thing.

I called the doctor and we decided it would be best to get my blood pressure taken, but when the oncologist called back and said she was concerned it was my liver function, we decided to head to the ER. I could barely keep my head up, I was completely out of it, and was definitely not myself. It was quite scary wondering, "Is this my liver failing?" Thankfully things progressed quickly and they even were able to do the brain MRI quickly, lots and lots of bloodwork. My dad met us there and we prayed for a miracle while we waited.

Dr. Funk (yes the best name EVER) first he said my blood work looked amazing! Breathe! YES! I have been on a liquid/puree diet since last Wednesday so that was definitely a concern. Not that! My liver function tests were up, but guess what NOT THAT! He said mine were between 100 and 200 and he sees them into the thousands, so maybe I just had a few drinks. Not that! So why did I feel like I was on some lala land drug? Our only guess can be this, mushrooms.

The night before, we got this AMAZING pot of mushroom bisque. Three different kinds and hearty and so tasty. To the point where I may have eaten 2-3 cups worth over an hour. As a kid I was allergic to mushrooms, so the only thing we could think is that I just had a really weird reaction. Otherwise, it was God's way of moving the MRI up so we could get a move on and get some answers. Maybe a little of both.

Guess we we will never know, but I am thankful the liver still works. Praise the Lord!

Ups, Downs, and Gifts

So days go by, we are praying for doctors, where to go, treatment plans, herbal intervention, new diets, new lifestyles, the new normal. It's hard. We wake up every morning in each other's arms and pray, "thank God for another day..." It just seems right. Every day is precious and we are going to honor that as long as he has us breathing on this earth. We have done our share of melting down, even been in some pretty dark places. Every pain scares us and the fatigue is unusual for me. I can't quite grasp that I must slow down, but I do. Sleeping can be an adventure, but like one night, I woke up in no pain, and I stayed up to enjoy it. It's been a battle for sure. I've met a couple more people on the "chemo for life" plan and I rest without a doubt that God intersected our lives for this very reason. He knew we would need one another. I never knew how deep into the pit I would fall, but I felt like every branch I would grab to pull myself up, I would find it breaking and I was down two more. Finally something happened.

Around 7:00 PM on whatever night (at this point I truly have no idea when) Skip came up to get me. We had guests. I knew Laurie had texted me, and it took all the energy I had to make it down to see them. Except it wasn't Laurie, it was #teamnadine. Some precious ladies, wearing HOPE shirts and the biggest smiles I've ever noticed, filled my living room and began to explain what they had been putting together. I remember hearing Laurie say, "we brainstormed and came up with a plan. We kept hearing you say you just wanted to take your kids and leave on vacation. We started a gofundme and in 24 hours we raised $13,000." It brings tears to my eyes as I write this. All I could do was cry. That day had been one of our hardest yet. We had talked about the fears of not seeing my kids graduate, not ever getting better, dying. It was also the best day yet, as that was the day we got out for a bike ride. It was less than an hour after  we explained to our kids that this was the new normal. That I would never finish chemo. That we would stay positive, that it would be okay to cry and that we would have fun whenever we could. That it might be scary and we might cry, but that is okay. Then we stood in a circle in our little kitchen, hands in the middle and prayed hard. Little #teamwall hugged for a long time. Like I said, hard day.

So as this news was being delivered, I can't explain what overcame me, but it felt like someone injected me with mega doses of love. Happy tears flowed like a river. I am not sure I still quite can grasp what happened and how this has come together, but I am so thankful. This gift allows us to do things, take time off and make those precious memories in the time we do have together. I haven't been ready to read all of the messages, but we will. I know it's going to be super emotional. I hope we can repay the kindness to all who have shown so much to us some day. We could not be more humbled and grateful for this world's generosity. You are each an amazing blessing from God. How cool is it that YOU are part of the plan? So glad we've crossed paths. I hope you are encouraged by our story of hope. We are finding it.

PS. My super Nadine shirt is the mac daddy of all shirts. I think I'll be able to fly with it. :D

Meeting the Oncologist

So this was maybe not my favorite part, but here it goes.

I had a liver biopsy, a stent placed in my kidney (did I say how I want to KISS that doctor - mad pain relieved), and PET scan done. I finally am on the road to being released from the hospital, with one last event. Meet the oncologist.

Dr. May was highly referred to us by my breast surgeon and was basically interviewed for us by phone by my plastic surgeon. (He is my doctor daddy. He visited me like two or three times and texts all the time! LOVE!) So if he says okay, we are okay! She came in with not the best of bed side manners, but for now, we are going to say she was holding back as there were people in the room. Why she didn't ask them to leave is beyond me, but I'm giving benefit to the doubt. I truly do not know what she even said, but I remember asking several questions about not understanding parts of the ultrasound and CT and she just kept changing the subject or oddly ignoring me all together. Then, I might be crazy, but I'm pretty she didn't even say good bye! I was speechless.

So, the nurse comes in after her and I being who I am, asked for the PET scan results before leaving. Everyone left, I was discharged and in the wheelchair, and I begin reading. Now you have to understand, I've been reading these things for a long time, but never ever, did I expect what I saw. I knew it was on my liver, I knew it was in my abdomen, I knew it was on my sternum. When I got to the part about the base of the brain, I shuddered, and then as I kept reading. The next lines would break my heart. It was in my bones. Two parts of my spine and in my pelvis. Any hope I had found quickly disappeared. I got in the car looked at skip and said,"this is going to kill me. It's in my bones."

Deep breath. Writing that sucks.

Ok. So since then, I've vented to Dr. May's awesome sauce assistant who has literally called me every day and I think we are going to try again. Dr. May was ON IT when I went to the ER yesterday and we talked for a while which helped. We see her again Thursday and need to PRAY PRAY PRAY the results for the receptors are back. We cannot plan treatment without that confirmation.

Big hugs and love. Bear with me as I chain blog... Hopefully, I can get back to my fluffy/fun self soon without all the mega boring details. :)

Liver Biopsy Party

All morning long, a nurse would write on that whiteboard under TODAYS GOALS: Liver Biopsy. And secretly, I would go up and erase it. I'm sorry, who wants to look up and see that your having a liver biopsy OVER AND OVER! Not me? So that was really fun, especially when I finally told them when it was all over.

When the guys came up to get me they were awesome. I sat up in my bed like a little princess and we rolled down the hallway. I get a little nuts and talk A LOT when I'm nervous, so my mission in life was to make these guys laugh. Well considering I had the best two techs in the hospital with me, that became obvious that we were there to make me feel better about this whole thing. Jamie my bartender was awesome and we laughed and cut up forever. I can't remember the ultrasound tech's name but I find out right before he goes to 12 Stone Church and we have great conversation. There ends up being like 10 people in for this biopsy which blew me away. 

I tend to not react to the drug versaid so I was completely aware of what was going on. YAY! I do have to say now, if I was going to pick lymph node neck biopsy and liver, I may actually choose liver! I definitely hurt once they got down in there, but overall, my angel doctors and nurses were keeping it light and fun. It was really nice to laugh for a while and kind of forget all of the bad things. I guess God knew exactly what I needed just for that moment. It's one of my happiest moments this week.

**The results are back and it has been confirmed this is my breast cancer. They said side by side you cannot tell the strain apart. We are still waiting on the receptors which will allow us to know exactly how to treat this madness.

Finding Hope

Where did the whole hope thing come from? An angel. In the ER I had come back to my room from the bathroom and there sat this darling girl who says in the most amazing Haitian accent, "Hi, my name is Nadine!" She was absolutely adorable and wore a super ER shirt. I instantly started bawling my eyes out. One of my best friends always called me her superwoman and would send me pictures and texts encouraging me during C3. Unfortunately, I could barely talk to her without bawling my eyes out so she just held me repeating,"Do not lose hope. You must remember, our name means hope!! So when we do not have any, you remember what our name means! We are positive." I never saw her after I left the ER, but she was an answer to prayer.

When I was admitted and got my room, they have a white board with the doctor goals and personal goals. They kept asking me what they were but I had nothing. Finally, I knew what it was. It was "Find Hope." That was the only way we were going to survive this.

It Was Supposed to be a Kidney Stone

Just realized that I posted only a few months ago that we were all clear. It seems like I'm in another dimension. Life as normal as we know it just ended and the new normal has begun. What's that? Cancer return #4.

I went in to the doctor thinking I had a kidney stone. The pain would come in waves and every time was more severe. My doctor did and x-ray with no finding and sent me for an Ultrasound. The tech was great but after about a minute asked me when my last scan was. I told her about 9 months ago and she proceeded to ask me if they ever saw anything on my liver. When she hovered in the areas that were unimportant to this particular moment, I started getting anxious. When I finished the CT tech came in and said there was fluid on the kidney and they would need to do a CT. She gave me this amazing mocha chalk drink and sent me home. I let me dog out and packed a bag. I had a feeling I wasn't going home.

After the scan was done, maybe 2 seconds, not even joking, they sent me immediately to my doctor. At this point I could hardly walk and was by myself. I walked in, threw my hands on the receptionist desk and said, "I have to see Dr Williams now. I need a shot NOW!" Thinking back I must have looked like all kinds of crazy. She begged me to have a seat and when I felt like I was forgotten, I walked myself back to the back anyway. Glad I did, I just so happened to walk smack into my doctor.

The gave me a room in the back and I sat in the chair thinking I was about to get sent to the ER for kidney stones. Dr. Williams sits down, and with this goofy grin I still cannot get out of my head, says, "We think your breast cancer has spread to your abdomen." I looked at him and and said, "What!!?? Are you JOKING!!?" This was NOT a funny joke! He wasn't. I found my way to the floor and the walls caved in on me. I cannot quite explain the experience but it was like not being able to escape your worst nightmare.

He led me to his office to get comfortable on his couch while he called my mom. Oh, and they finally gave me that fantastic shot! I remember calling Skip and all I could do was cry. No words came out. Think I finally mustered why I was calling and after that it all becomes a blur.

I remember we stopped by NorthSide imaging so I could grab the Ultrasound and CT report and began reading it while I waited. I had no idea how bad it was. Forty percent of my liver was covered in cancerous lesions, the largest being almost 8cm. There were multiple abdominal masses partially blocking 3 areas of my small intestines. Enlarged lymphnodes and fluid, all playing a part in annoying the kidney. I kept telling Skip, "this is so bad. Oh my God Skip this is so bad."

We head to Emory, and when we arrive there was a five plus hour wait. I walked in the door looked around and thought to myslef there is NO WAY. So I asked nicely how long the wait was and got dragon receptionist. Oh my. This was not happening.

So if you've ever read my history, I have two of the most beautiful, amazing, caring doctor daddy's in the world. I texted them. They had me set up to go the the ER at Northside, Admitted to Internal Medicine, Procedures listed that needed to be done (Oh, the majority of the pain was caused by a mass blocking my urether!) and already had an oncologist lined up to help us. I cannot explain the burden that was lifted just from a couple of doctors texting us, visiting us and basically carrying us through the next couple of days.

It was amazing how bad I had been feeling over the last couple of months. I had had my hysterectomy in May and I was assured there was nothing on my liver and all pathology was benign. So how does cancer grow so fast? It took off in my body. We were dumbfounded. And so the story of how we will beat cancer number 4 begins...