Weekly Monday News (last one of 2k15!)

I haven't stopped. I think we fit more special, amazing memories into 3 days than should ever be possible!! I'll blog Christmas later, but I figured I'd give the oh so boring dr details first...

My Monday treatment of Topotecan got moved to Tuesday! We are packed and heading to the beach as soon as the needle is out! Have a house/dog sitter and the kids and parentals are already there!!!

This will be my #17th intrathecal chemo dose, so yes, only one more after that and we've graduated again from phase two to phase three, every other week!! 

So far I cannot tell I'm on the new drugs. I take two pills nightly to hopefully add to the miracle. It's possible it could kill more cells not just hold them at bay! Keep praying, Bloodwork tomorrow to see how my numbers are. 

Keep praying no IT chemo side effects. They're nasty. I'm still having a touch of weird here and there but we are going with the theory that my muscles are having to wake back up. One more back to back, God you've got this!!

I'll have pathology run on the spinal fluid next Monday. Huge huge prayers that it's clear!! Will likely have a brain/spine MRI soon as well. Seems I'm not the only curious one to see if the tumors on my spinal cord also miraculously disappeared. 

For those just catching up,I shouldn't be here. All studies, statistics, realism said impossible, and for some bizarre reason God chose me. My being here has been deemed a miracle. Period. God is listening to our prayer warriors, moving the hearts of many and showing the biggest love I've ever seen. So grateful. So blessed. 

Joy at Christmas

A week has gone by since last writing which means I have felt super good and haven’t had much time to blog because I’m spending it more with the ones I love most.

Today was intrathecal chemo dose number 16 or the 4^th of 6 in the second phase of Topotecan. I feel pretty much amazing. We have noticed that I feel a little (teeny-tiny) nauseated and tired the following 24 hours, but NOTHING like AC chemo. I’ve started one of the two drugs and have been on it for a week with no adverse effects. The knot in my stomach has seemed to diminish as I’ve been stretching daily and trying to build my core little by little. My muscles seem to be adjusting well and I have buckets and buckets of energy. People keep asking me how in the world I keep going with this great big giant smile and I couldn’t figure it out until a little scripture I ran across the other night. Joy, simple and pure. I am filled with an unreal amount of joy.

Last night a few things happened. The first was Madison coming in and saying, “I want to snuggle and watch a movie. I know that doesn’t happen very much, so now please.” HAHA! Like before she changes her mind? We had the best night! The apple TV actually had some issues so we ended up talking and giggling for two hours. Completely priceless and we even snuggled. She’s right, never happens. Since church that morning she had been grinning ear to ear and said she didn’t know why and couldn’t stop. Joy. I sent her a scripture this morning “a happy heart makes the face cheerful…” Proverbs 15:13 Makes me happy to see her happy.

We had the best morning at church. We met Skip’s dad there and Gloria. It was a really awesome message, “I Am Not Alone” was the closing song which made a nasty good cry, but it was good and everyone seemed to enjoy the morning. We went to lunch afterward and had the nicest time together. No one worked, we all laughed and enjoyed the company. Skip got his birthday gift and was on top of the world and super surprised.

I later texted my LM sister out in California. She’s the only other person I know with Leptomeningeal Carcinomatosis and every time I hear the song I Am Not Alone I cannot help but think of her. It’s truly hard to not feel a lone when you have a disease that effects very few people and has such a grim prognosis. There just aren’t many out there. Unfortunately, I received a text later that evening stating she was not doing well, and I think my heart fell to the floor. I was sick to my stomach and have not stopped thinking about this sweet woman, whom I’ve never met in person, who has beat the odds so far and has made it 10 months. I have chills even writing that. I’ve fought the tears all day until I finally told Skip in the car tonight and couldn’t fight them any longer. I told him I desperately want to just hop on a plane and meet her. She’s my LM sister, we are not alone… and we know we are not alone because we have God, but man, it’s pretty heart wrenching.

At the same time, so many beautiful things keep happening…

My Amber came to take me to chemo today and we had the best time. We talked for like 4 hours straight, ate lunch, laughed, cried and did what sisters do. I am so thankful for my friend of now 30 years. Love this girl.

I heard good news from two friends waiting on tests and biopsy results and they were clear. A huge relief. And super thankful.

I had an awesome date night with my man and family and even had sushi for the first time since the summer. It sounded good and it was heavenly.

Then we went to Trader Joes. I had my Christmas brunch list and filled a buggy to the sky with organic treats and amazingness. Liekly my favorite store ever. But then something happened. Something I’ll likely never forget. I stepped into line and a man gets in line behind me holding 6 large water bottles. So I let him go in front of me, no big deal at all. He was so thankful and after 5 seconds another cashier came to check me out. Before he left we made eye contact. He said thank you again, and Merry Christmas. Skip and I continued checking out for a while and then walking up towards us is the same man. Except he was holding out a Christmas present, smiling and left me with a gift. I looked confused, he said thank you again and I said Merry Christmas. Shocked I look in the bag from one of the cutest boutiques, Honeybutter, and it’s an awesome green Christmas scarf. I looked at Skip as everyone in the lines I think stopped everywhere. It was unbelievable. A lady as we left grabbed my arm and just was in amazement. This is what Christmas is all about. I am pretty sure everyone there went home with a smile, a full heart and have a little more faith in humanity as a whole just because of a couple of tiny acts of kindness.

Now, I’m watching Heroes with my little Madison because it’s our thing, so I have to wrap this short. Just didn’t want to forget the awesome stories, because really God is now showing off. I’m so blown away by his faithfulness and the love of so many-friends, family and strangers all alike. So full tonight as I lay down, and still a heavy heart for my Mary. Keep the hope. Merry Christmas.

Skip's Bday Weekend

I wrote this in the care on the way home from Ellijay:

What an amazing weekend, an amazing week. I woke up this morning to a fully pink sky. It was so beautiful I jumped out of bed and ran outside. It’s so peaceful here. You can hear little animals and the stream and it was even warm. I sat by the lake just thanking God so much for another day and for the strength and power I’ve felt this week. I know it’s an up season and that this season could last another week, or could last another year, but just like everything else, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. So why not live like it?!

This week I hope to start my by mouth treatment and maintenance drugs. They come with a full set of side effects, so I guess it’ll be a wait and see thing. I also had this horrid pain about a week ago, thinking it was a Charlie horse in my abs, but I’m still having pain there so going to see if we can investigate tomorrow. There seems to be a little bump there – maybe even one of those pesky lymph nodes. Regardless, knowing how high my pain tolerance is, I won’t mess around this time.

Get my fifteenth intrathecal chemo tomorrow! That puts me at 3/6 for this second phase. January 4^th will be my last weekly dose then we skip the 11^th and do the following Monday the 18th. It’ll be twice a month for four months! I’m at 9 weeks on Topotecan, 5 more to the 14 week mark!!! Getting closer and so hopeful this will work! Not sure when they test the fluids again, but I’m patiently waiting and honestly hoping they don’t test it until after the holidays and our first post-chemo vacation! Yes, we are going to Panama City for New Years compliments of one of our beautifully sweet friends. Such a gift!! And, we have a bunch of our NYC family coming for Christmas and I’m jumping out of my skin with excitement.

Still doing my best to be organic, vegetarian, mostly gluten and dairy free, and it feels SO good. My body has adjusted beautifully and honestly I enjoy cooking so it’s been a lot of fun! Hoping to get an alkaline water filter put in soon because we are going to do just about everything to hold this nasty disease at bay!

Finally, I want to thank EVERYONE for their prayers, support, gifts, love, and friendship. I made a promise to God in the car on the way to the ER on 9/9 that I would climb to the highest mountain top and I would scream out my praise to God if God would bring us through this. Skip said he would too. Well the coolest thing happened when I went to shuttle the birthday riders to the overlook. When we parked I saw theis woman pass my car and climb up this trail. What?!! I’ve been here a hundred times and didn’t realize there was an ACTUAL overlook! I ran out of the car, and nearly ran up the mountain. Huffing and puffing I made it to my mountain top and I screamed! I was so thankful! We jumped up and the woman there took our picture and then we screamed up to the heavens! I closed my eyes, thank you God. Hugged my people and shared one of the most beautiful moments of my life. So very blessed by all the people that came this weekend. Skip and I cannot stop talking about how amazing it was. How it ended up just being the most perfect day and the group of people we got to share it with were some of the most generous loving supportive people we know. Can’t stop being blown away at the love we continue to receive. We feel so loved and so blessed.

Almost forgot my other energizer bunny moment! We got to the house around 9:00 or so, and turned on the State Championships for Allatoona High school. It was zero to zero and half time. See, I’m a Sequoyah mama but our Pastor is a coach for their team and we do weekly posters together for them for around 2 years now. When all of this started Mike had sent me a picture of his team praying, and they were praying for me. Since then they’ve prayed every week and Saturday night I had the complete joy of praying for these sweet boys. We prayed and the third quarter began. I was jumping, screaming, fist pumping, dancing, spinning, you name it I was a psycho football fan and I’ll tell you when they won, I think the people on TV may have heard us. My parents got to catch the end with us as well, and it was just one of my most favorite moments. Found out from Facebook they were all going to be at NorthStar this morning and was soooo disappointed I wouldn’t be there!! Skip wanted to spend the weekend chilling so we are watching this weekend. Still hope to make a field trip to meet these boys in person and see the posters that line the halls of their school. I hope I get to do them again next year.

First for me this weekend, I drove the dune buggy and it was AWESOME. I’ve been so hesitant and fragile, but I literally jumped in that thing and smilling ear to ear me and mom took off and it was a blast. We laughed the entire way around, and up and down.

I’m sure there were more pretty firsts, but those are the ones I can remember for now. On our way home and the fun will continue, because it’s Skip’s 39^th Birthday WEEKEND. Yep. The entire weekend is filled with fun…

Off I go! I’ll be in touch soon. Love and hugs to all! Thankging God for my team of amazing people.

Interesting but Good Day

Today was one of those interesting days...

It all started out around... well, when I woke up. Happy BIRTHDAY to YOU! It was Skip's official 39th birthday. We've basically been celebrating since Saturday. And have had buckets of fun! I made Skip and I omelettes and we sat on the couch and decided to watch the news. First two were not streaming yet, so the third it was. Now I am not sure what I was expecting, but wanted to catch up on world events. The first broadcast ends up being about this Secret Santa who every year spends hundreds of thousands of dollars giving out $100 bills out to people in stores who look like they could use a little love and kindness. The stories were UNREAL. I'm in tears after 2 minutes and then they interciew a lady with stage 4 breast cancer. I may have sobbed, I don't even remember. Then Will Smith comes on being asked about his new movie based on a true story. The man he plays comes on at the end and they ask, "what do you want people to take from this movie." He says something about "needing faith, needing hope, needing joy." Another skipped heartbeat, this was too much, off it goes.

We start our morning routines and I have 30 minutes before Tracy comes to get me for chemo. So I decide to begin tackling Alana's room. Skip walks in, "this room is hopeless!" No. It's actually not. Every little piece of whatever has a bucket, bin or someplace that it ACTUALLY goes. Problem is that its just all in one big sea of a pile in her floor, bed, shelf, closet, and desk. I kid you not. I shouldve taken a before, and after has not come.

Tracy arrives and we have our catch up time. It was awesome. We got there and we climbed the stairs and checked in. Did my bloodwork, laughed a lot and then Dr. May comes in. I have really gotten to love this lady. I showed her my knot in my chest/stomach and Tracy said she rolled her eyes at me!! I swear I am not a hypochondriac! And she knew so when I about kicked her from pushing on the sore spot. She still thinks its muscular and suggested I take care of it like so. So, I will. Maybe I'll do a bunch of sit ups and see if that helps. JUST KIDDING.

Everything went well, numbers looked good. Still a tad anemic which I thought was odd, she did not. She had me start one of the two drugs today so we shall see if I get the side effects. She said low counts are the typical side effect but no one has really complained, they just see it in the blood work. I did ask, "why do the doctors not run tumor markers on everyone after they are diagnosed with breast cancer." Basically in a nut shell, BS insurance not wanting to pay for unneeded tests IF the tumor marker was incorrect. But what if it IS correct! Look at the halt in progression of disease you could put on a person. Sickening - we shall fix that as well over time.

As I sit there, a friend lets me know her MRI didn't look so hot while another is telling me she will catch me up on the drama of her chemo day. What is happening?! This is too much and my heart hurts. I go on and get my intrathrecal chemo #15 and all goes well. We wait our 20 minutes, we pray, and I show her around the office. Which is about 1/100th the size of Emory. Then I showed her the little office/exam room where the nurse wanted to access my port that day. We got some GOOD laughs from that story. I'm telling you I will never forget that.

We made it home, Starbucks and all, and it's 2:00. WAY later than I expected and Alana now has a 3:00 doctor appointment. Oh, I failed to mention that she wheezed HORRIBLY all weekend and when she coughs its deep and gurgly. Not to mention she supermanned onto the hardwood last Monday when we were at the Christmas party, coincidentally when the worst of this started. She's been coughing since November 1st almost and hasn't stopped. Asthma/allergy trigger seems to be the most likely issue at the moment, but I was thinking we need an x-ray please, lets rule out the bad stuff. I don't have time to sit around and wait on trying something else. And so it happened, I got super frustrated with my doctor and decided to hunt a new one, who happened to have a cancellation at THE perfect time.

So I head to the school, check her out and get on our way. We fill out a mound of paperwork and she graciously walks us back to get us out of the germ infested NASTY sounding waiting room. Ah, I was freaking. Now we wait, and wait, and I find out there has been an emergency. Now I wait patiently-ish. Only I start feeling nauseated and my stomach is not happy. UH-OH. We run the the bathroom only guess what, I can't get the toilet to flush. I AM NOT MAKING THIS STUFF UP. So Alana is gagging and I'm spraying lysol and this is SO TMI but it finally works. We run back and after an hour, she comes in.

I am in total love with this lady already. SUPER thorough and detailed. She listened to her forever!! Asked tons of questions and finally, she says, "I think we should get an xray to be safe." To which I respond, "that is really what I wanted. Thank you, you are my new best friend." Now we are jumpin gin the car and heading to childrens. Mind you, I've been home a total of 5 minutes. Long enough to refill my water and kill a quinoa salad. It's 4:15, and I know what's about to happen. Rush hour. We go anyway and theyre awesome as usual as well. Alana was a champ and we were in and out by 4:50. SWEET! We talked to Skip and now we were meeting at Taco Mac. I had ZERO energy to cook him a birthday dinner.

We arrive and I realize I had very little to eat. Everything looked good. It was super hard to sit in that chair after literally sitting and driving all day but I made it work. Everyone was happy and I actually had an amazing black bean burger with a side of broccoli. It was fabulous. About half way through dinner a gentleman and his son approach us with a gift card to pay for our meal. He was short and sweet and caught us very off guard. I instantly teared up. People are so generous, this is unreal. The lesson he just got to teach his son and the lessons my girls are learning through people's generosity I hope sticks forever. I realized today, there is a ton of evil, hurt, and terrible things happening, but there are good things happening too and people are generous and want to love on others. It is truly humbling and that man had NO idea my day. Had no idea I had chemo in my head that morning and that I for all practical purposes had not been home since 10am. Today was a struggle and their kindness made everything seem to just disappear. Goodness, pass it on. May my eyes be opened to those around me struggling. May I be moved to give like he did and care for others like secret santa does.

We wrapped up the night with a little carvel cake and PS4 surprise which Skip has not put down since opening it... Maybe 3 hours? Everyone went to bed well after bed times and overall it was a super peaceful night. I wrapped up more Christmas shopping online and got to share war stories with one of my chemo sistas. Alana's doctor called and there are no breaks or pnemonia. She has significant irritation in her lungs and she is keeping her on the inhaler and starting on steroids. She was contemplating a breathing treatment but is in hopes this will help. Me too!!

In the end I basically sit here, sore literally head to toe from way overdoing it and look forward to some good, really good sleep. I'm meeting a friend I've met on facebook tomorrow and cannot tell you how excited I am. She's been a super big encouragement these last 12 weeks and we have a lot in common. Always good to have those around you who understand just a little. Praying we both get some good sleep and don't let our chemo brains interfere with our plans again. We seem to have a hard time in the get-together department. Two chemo brains making plans, probably the worst idea ever! But no one else can do it for us, so tomorrow finally it is! Can't wait.

And that was my day. Interesting and beautiful all at once.

Happy 3 Months!

Today marks three months since I was diagnosed with cancer for a fourth time. I sat in my doctor’s office as the walls caved in around me. I knew this would be the biggest battle yet. Little did I know the storms we would actually encounter and the hell our family would be put through; but I also didn't know the blessings and miracles that we would witness through it all. The growth my family experienced. Couldn't have happened otherwise. Twelve weeks. 

We could not have made it without so many of you. Your prayers and children's prayers from literally all over the world are being heard. When my heart couldn't even muster a word to God, you stood in our gaps. You brought meals, ordered meals, delivered groceries, took care of our house inside and out, babysat my children, drove my children, fixed our cars, messaged us, called us, sent us goodies and books, offered us vacations and places to get away, cards and gift cards, generously supported us financially, and just gave and gave and gave. I'm not sure I could ever find the words that would adequately say how thankful we are. For now thank you is where I leave this. Thank you. 

My biggest thanks is to God. He led us to the perfect team of doctors and gave them the perfect mix of drugs and therapies. I went from unable to walk and in constant pain to today driving and shopping all of kohls myself, wrapping gifts, making dinner for my family and helping them make Rice Krispie treats. I'm wiped now and I'm constantly grateful. I know my battle with cancer has only just begun but our hope is that we continue to be the miracle everyone so desperately wants. Our crazy world needs to see you God and if through my suffering and my joys then so be your will.

Here is to the next three months, the next “season” and I hope and pray it's a less complicated one. Feeling so good, time to make some big memories. 

16 nights of sleep until Christmas! Can't wait!!

Like a Light Switch

I have to catch you all up from a few days. Let me think…

Tuesday I made it home from the hospital. I still felt rough from the hospital, I was still running low fevers but at least we knew I had white blood cells. Then it hit. We were eating dinner and I had the same feeling that sent me to the hospital. I stumbled over to the couch and fell asleep for a good hour. It was loud and crazy and everyone was getting Christmas down from the attic, and I had no clue. I woke up and fever. A big one. I nearly cried and called the doctor. Thankfully he said because I was not nuetropenic I could take Tylenol and call my doctor in the morning. My littlest was utterly disappointed that we would not be decorating after all and nearly had a breakdown. It’s hard to explain sometimes to an eight year old, but she understood why and we promised the next night we would. Big promise, not sure why we would even do that!

Wednesday morning rolls around and I’m living on my Tylenol so my fever is under control. My oncologist called in an antibiotic that wasn’t quite ready when my friend went to pick it up so we were going to have to go back tonight, Christmas decorating night. Ugh. Skip came in and reminded me Madison had a hair appointment but couldn’t take her. It was in the neighborhood and at this point I’ll do anything to get outside, so lets go! My first driving experience in months was totally uneventful and I didn’t really care that I was in pajamas probably from the day before at that point. It was just nice to be out. But, then my car needed to go to CVS to pick up my antibiotic and then maybe across the street to Publix! We didn’t have dinner coming so I rode around the little cart (yes, in my Olaf pajamas) and gathered anything vegetarian for me, and a chicken for them. It was kind of fun, but it was time to get Madison and go home.

Madison cooked dinner for us that evening, which she loved, and I lay on the couch. We all ate dinner and then it happened. I took my medicine. I’m not quite sure if she laced it with speed but within 20 minutes I am not kidding, I was a new person. I had energy and I didn’t feel like death. We decorated together (which was not the best experience ever because my kids couldn’t help but bicker – but that’s another part of the story) and even after they went to bed, I couldn’t stop. I reorganized and decorated my house for SIX hours. I wasn’t sitting either. This felt AWESOME!

I woke up the next morning and guess what, it was still there and I had no fever! I went to the urologist bright and early with my valium. Can I say joke? Skip swears I was more calm, and maybe so, but I wanted to be loopy! Anyway, it literally takes 60 seconds, like he said and he shows me this big long wiry looking thing that was in me saving my kidney from exploding just 3 months earlier. Cool. And they left. I look at Skip like, are we supposed to go? That’s it. I can do whatever, no restrictions, no nothing. So what do we do? Trader Joes of course! It’s time! Skip says I was stoned looking, I felt focused, but regardless I was very able to shop on Valium.

We bought two carts worth of veggies and fruits and everything yummy, fresh, organic and sugarless. Well mostly, pretty sure there were gingerbread houses for the kids and stuff like that. So we went home and I washed all the veggies and fruits (standing) praising God with a grin you weren’t going to be able to wipe of my face. It was awesome. I made myself a veggie omelett and nearly cried while eating it as food didn’t sound disgusting anymore. I went upstairs and found myself making the bed. What!? I don’t even like making the bed! But it brought a smile to my face that I could do it, and I knew Skip would be happy. Then I took a bath and something even more amazing happened. I just stood up and got out. I know that sounds little and strange, but I didn’t even realize it happened until it did and again, just thanking God over and over with crazy tears in my eyes. If you know the ordeal I go through to make sure I don’t pass out after getting out of the tub, you would understand. THEN, I got dressed and didn’t climb back into bed! I always need a break after that and I didn’t need one!

The kids got home and I’m all over them. Laughing and doing what mommy’s should do after school. And then it began. The bickering. The arguing. The little boogers wouldn’t stop all while I’m cooking dinner (which I love to do by the way – I love cooking) and I completely lost it. Skip was there. I’m not sure what I said but they were to leave our presence and we were now NOT making rice Krispie treats. I apologized to Skip but he understood so we went up to talk.

It must’ve been over an hour. Something was wrong. It was like they had completely forgotten what was going on. They forgot I was just in the hospital, they forgot I was fighting for my life, that chemo and drugs are a forever thing. They were so into themselves this week with “what I NEED” “me, me, me” and “my sister is so annoying” they totally forgot what mattered more. And you bet I was going to make sure they remembered. Today was the first day in likely more than six months that I felt good. Like really good and they destroyed it. I was in tears, then Skip, Lana was ashamed and burying her head and madison a statue. It took us a long time to break her too, but finally in the end, they got it. What mattered most was our family time together. Things are good and presents are fun but these memories we make will last much longer. That mommy feels good today, but maybe not tomorrow. Let’s celebrate that! It was a really hard talk and we told stories of things we missed about people we’ve lost in our lives. We talked about so much, I’m not even sure I could remember. We finished with our prayers and I walked out realizing it was all the enemy. Trying to steal and destroy what good we had by making my children turn against each other. It was time to shut him out. Sorry devil, you have zero place in my home. You can go now.

And now it’s Friday. I popped up at 6:15 and thought ooooh, time for school! I was going to get my kids up for school! I kissed all over there sleepy heads, lay next to Madison who is making number signs and pointing at the clock. Faker, she knows she loved it. But the kicker was waking Alana up. I couldn’t. She was so peaceful, so sweet and soft, and I was waking her up. She is never this still and I just wanted to stare at her forever. I went as long as I could on chemo getting downstairs, riding to the bus stop, knowing there would be a day I couldn’t anymore. To get that back was a gift beyond all gifts. Plus it was kind of fun to see Skip lay in bed a few minutes longer.

I got ready for the day and thought I will text Kristin and we will get our nails done! The last time I saw her I lounged on the back patio in a pile of mess and probably on the couch if I remember correctly. So I’m pretty sure she looked kind of confused when I was literally bouncing off the walls. (I did realize later I drank a cup of coffee) It felt so good though. I drove us, we got pampered, matching snowflakes, caught up a little, went home for lunch and I was smiling ear to ear. It was one of my favorite days in a long time.

We planned to leave for Ellijay at some point that evening for a Saturday trip and so I began making meal plans and gathering food. I was at this point getting sleepy. I know how to over do it better than anyone on the planet. So I slowed it down a notch. We eventually made it to Ellijay, the kids went straight to bed, and Skip and I got the Christmas decorations out. That’s going to be our thing. Decorate Ellijay together. It’s not a lot, my little Dollar Tree decorated Charlie Brown Tree, but it was fun and I think it’s super pretty. We were finally off to dreamland and slept great.

Today was beautiful in Ellijay. Skip and his dad worked on the shop all day long. I hiked to the bottom of our dam and amazingly back up. I was questioning myself as I started back but I did it, gasping for air. Hike aside, it is amazing how sore my muscles are just from day to day tasks like pushing a broom or washing dishes. I have used literally nothing. So pretty much every muscle in my body, ones, I didn’t know I had, are that good kind of sore, except I’m not trying. I figure Monday I will talk to the doctor and figure out the best plan for me. I want to get back to exersizing as it is such a crucial part of health and well-being. I truly feel like the cancer didn’t find my lungs because I was always on the bike breathing hard, breathing oxygen.

Now we are on our way home and pondering our day. Skip worked hard on the building to get it done and I hung out with the kids and dad’s girlfriend. I really didn’t get to see him except the couple of times we ate together and that really bothers me. I have to let it go, but I’m somewhat frustrated because our days, especially our good days, cannot be wasted. I know we have our fixer-upper and it’s been awesome to see it transform and it’s the most heavenly little place, but I just don’t like him working on it now. Maybe I’m just tired and whiny but I guess I just missed having him on a really good day.

Finally tomorrow, we are planning to be a big day... We’ve decided to go to church. It was actually Madison, she sent me a screenshot from NSC Middle School Instagram saying she “really really wanted to go” this Sunday. I’ll likely be a basket case it’s been 3 months and so much to be thankful for. God has shown up in some of the biggest ways and especially through much of the goodness and kindness of it’s people. Continually blown away by the hearts that define NorthStar and I truly cannot wait to be there tomorrow. To worship in person, not from a pillow on the couch or from a hospital bed, I cannot wait to stand there in awe of God. Thanks for listening and following, praying and loving. We’ve experienced miracle after miracle and I have never been more grateful.

A Story of Support

I had just received the phone call “I’m sorry. They found cancer cells in your spinal fluid again.” My heart was broken. I didn’t even know what to say. I texted, maybe vented to my dad and think that did some good because my chemo sisters were on their way and would be walking in any second.

They came in entertaining me with their war stories of the day, and then it was my turn, I had to tell them. Funny thing, they knew exactly what to say. They know, because they live it. We live the same nightmares and we live the same victories. I am thankful God made it just so happen that they showed up within 60 seconds of each other, completely unplanned.

They left and I immediately look at Skip. He climbs in my tiny hospital bed and I sob. I’m so angry, hurt, confused, and caught off guard. All I can think is “stupid.” I should’ve never let myself be so hopeful. I let my expectations get too high and now I’m going to die. Skip is calm and still positive and was encouraging me. How? How is he still so positive?

Then my phone buzzed. It was from a dear friend who I have not seen in years. Her vision for women and her leadership and guidance through my years as a growing Christian are things I will never forget. This woman holds an amazing piece of my heart. I have always admired her wisdom, love for the Lord and her vibrant spirit.

Her text was something about “support.” Remember, I’m in freak out mode. I yell, SUPPORT?!! How am I supposed to write about support?!! Where is MY support?!! I need support!! And then ever so perfectly and ever SO clearly I hear the words, “I lift my hands up to the Lord, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” I returned to instant peace. Oh Lord, you get me so well. It repeated over and over and over in my head. Madison says the only way to get a song out of your head is to listen to it, so we did.

It was not in my phone, so I bought it, turned on my speaker and Skip and I sat quietly listening to the words that the Lord poured into that hospital room. When you read or listen to the words you will know why I was humbled, quieted, sobbed and knew it no longer mattered. God was with me and I knew exactly how I was going to encourage others, and share with the world what support means to me. The words, enough to fill a book, flooded my head and haven’t stopped.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ype1xE0wzsg

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say, Amen and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry, You raised me up again
But my strength is almost gone
How can I carry on if I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
And as You mercy falls I raise my hands
And praise the God who gives and takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am
And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

One of the funniest parts of this story was that when I actually read her text it was about writing an endorsement of support for the women’s league. I laughed so hard. We also find out that the cancer cells were actually suspicious cells but had thankfully led my doctor to running an MRI, which showed that my brain tumors were gone. A true miracle. We watched God show up and off all day.

I’m not sure anyone can deny this stuff or say it is all coincidence. It’s real and we are all witnessing it together. I know not every story has a happy ending, I actually hate those movies, but I do know there IS a happy ending. And when we trust God with our hearts and lives we will someday through the struggles and storms, see the span of eternity and the span of our lives and realize eternity is a far longer time. God promises an eternity in heaven for all who love him. I hope I get to live out eternity with this team God has put alongside us. Not guaranteed today or tomorrow, but we are guaranteed there is more. Keep praying. Keep searching.